In Appreciation of Dolph Ziggler (and why it means so much to meet him this week)

I don’t look up to many people. That’s a perk of standing 6 feet and 5 inches in stature. In all seriousness, I have always been the type to want to carve out my own path instead of looking to others for guidance. While there are some I would consider mentors or heroes, people like my parents, teachers like Mr. Clifton, Mr. Pfeffer, and Dr. Tuttle, I don’t make much of a habit of looking up to people I don’t personally know. That said, there is one notable exception.

Any time my students or other acquaintances find out that I am a fan of WWE, the second question (after the “You know it’s fake, right?”) I get is “Well, who’s your favorite wrestler?” I don’t know who they expect me to say, but when I tell them Dolph Ziggler, I often get responses ranging from amused to bewildered. The follow-up question is “Why?” My usual go-to is “Because his career mirrors my own life in many ways” and then I mumble something to change the subject. It’s a lot more than that, though. I’ve never felt such a personal connection to the success of someone else, but the more I think about it, the more I understand it. Dolph Ziggler is every one of us.

Dolph Ziggler is every one of us who has ever been set up to fail.
Many of us have entered a new job in which we, quite honestly, are not expected to succeed and have not been given much guidance to do so. I have walked into classrooms with no curricula, literal mounds of trash, and various dead animals and was basically told to figure it out. I wanted to quit. More accurately, I wanted to crawl into the fetal position and cry. But you will never get to where you want to be by giving up. Sometimes, you have to make something out of nothing. Dolph Ziggler is proof of that.

In 2005, Nick Nemeth was brought up to the main roster to be the personal “caddy” for a white golfer who neither golfed nor was white. I don’t think Shakespeare or Hemingway could have pulled a captivating endgame from that premise. After a couple months, Nemeth was gone. When he came back, he was repackaged as Nicky, a member of a five-man cheerleading group, the Spirit Squad. Again, not a lot of forward traction, especially when he was treated as maybe the 4th best guy out of the group. Once again, he was sent back down to developmental. When he returned, he was Dolph Ziggler.

You can tell if WWE has big plans for someone based on how they are introduced to the audience. John Cena took Kurt Angle to the limit. The Shield debuted on Survivor Series by interfering In the main event. Kevin Owens left John Cena in a heap. Dolph Ziggler was introduced to the audience… by quite literally introducing himself to everyone he came into contact with. Most guys get easy matches on tv to introduce them to the audience. Dolph Ziggler had to step into the ring with Batista. This should have failed.

Someone who was introduced as basically a joke on THREE separate occasions shouldn’t last more than a year. Dolph Ziggler has been there for FOURTEEN. The guy saw what would have been a dead end gimmick and by hard work and talent has been rewarded with reigns with nearly every title he could win. He looked his fate square in the eyes and said “I’m too good for that.” That attitude has inspired me to reach personal and professional heights that didn’t seem possible.

Dolph Ziggler is everyone who has ever been passed over for the latest and greatest and is the wingman who makes everyone else look good.
Most of us have been there. The promotion, the relationship, the thing we’ve waited FOREVER to achieve, and it’s about to be ours when riiiight at the worst possible moment, someone less deserving swoops in and gets it. I lost on my first dream job at the last second due to nepotism. I’ve had relationships turn on a dime because someone else entered the picture.

My bias may be showing here, but I don’t care. Coming out of Survivor Series 2014, Dolph Ziggler was set up perfectly to be the next WWE Champion. I understand that the WWE is very much like a movie and different people are given different roles, but he should have been the leading man at that point in time. He got passed over for a new toy. This happened far too often. For a two year stretch, DZ was used almost exclusively as the vehicle for getting the new toys set up to succeed. Sheamus (post-Mohawk), Nakamura, Corbin, Roode, etc…all of them rose by climbing the back of Dolph Ziggler. It’s great to be a valuable piece (that jack of all trades at work, the understanding friend), but there are moments where you want more. As a fan, I want the best for Dolph.

Dolph once had a shirt that said “It’s too bad I’m too good”. It’s funny and almost sad because it’s true. Because Dolph Ziggler has been so good at making his opponents look like gold in the ring (by using his own athleticism to make their moves look lethal), it’s been his job to make them look good. Guys get a bigger reaction to hitting their big moves on Dolph because he makes those moves count. Every now and then it would be nice for them to repay him the favor, though.

Dolph Ziggler is hope. Dolph Ziggler is despair.
We all want to believe that things are going to change in our lives, that finally THIS opportunity is going to be the one that’s different. We go into it with the notion that it may not go our way, but that doesn’t stop our heart from hoping. We finally get to that moment where we give our best effort to that opportunity, only for it to not go our way. Even though we were prepared for the worst, it doesn’t cushion the blow as much as we would like for it to do.
As a longtime fan of Dolph Ziggler, I am conditioned to expect the worst in big matches. Once every year or two, Dolph will find his way into a match for the WWE Championship, the title I always dreamed of holding as a kid and to me, THE measuring stick in all of pro wrestling. Though Dolph is a two-time former world champion, it was not that particular title. Every time he finds his way into one of these matches I live vicariously and hope beyond hope that he has been chosen for this opportunity to bear that flag as champion, and every time it *almost* happens but doesn’t. I know Nic Nemeth the person is probably content with the chance to live his childhood dream and pursue his other passions (comedy, political commentary) while earning an income that as an educator I could only dream of, but I will always cheer for him to reach the top. With DZ and in life, through every disappointment, there is hope that next time will finally be the time.

When Jakob Meets Dolph
This Wednesday, I have the opportunity to come face to face with someone I look up to when I see Dolph's comedy tour and participate in the VIP meet and greet in Appleton, Wisconsin. Though I’ve seen him wrestle live a few times (I was actually there when he lost the World Title in 2013) and we’ve interacted on Twitter, I’ve never gotten to meet the guy. I don’t know how much of this I’ll get to say to his face, but I am so thankful for his example of hard work, perseverance, trusting your ability, and making something out of nothing. It is an example I try to follow every day as a man, as a teacher, as a grad school student, and as a friend to others. Following his career has had a significant impact on the person I am today, and whether or not I ultimately reach the pinnacle of success in my field, I will continue to press onward no matter what.

Done with 31

As I sit here and reflect on the year that I spent as a 31 year old (a number that I did always like), it was one of those years which on the surface felt like a generic slog but truly was much more. I learned a great deal from others but also a great deal about myself. It was a year sprinkled with both successes and adversity, new beginnings and bittersweet endings. I gained friends but lost some (and another grandparent). I had a few illnesses over the year, which is a rarity for me, and I found myself mentally and physically exhausted on numerous occasions. Yet through it all, I have a calm I've never had before.

If you have been keeping up with this blog at all over the past 14(!) years, you have probably noticed I have written with much less frequency (but hopefully with equal intensity). While part of that can be attributed to being an adult who works and goes to grad school full time, there is a larger underlying reason. For years I used this blog as an outlet to say the things I never had the courage or audacity to say out loud. This *was* my voice. At some point, I found my voice. I learned how to fight for those I care about, for the causes I believe in, and for myself. I have less of a pressing need to use this to share my thoughts because, if you are around me with any modicum of frequency, you already know those thoughts.

That confidence has been accompanied by a measure of fearlessness and in turn with a measure of peace and calm. Life is going to put mountains in my way, and either I will conquer them or I won't. I accept what is mine to accept and purpose to fight the things that are mine to fight. I've failed a few times this past year, and with each failure I realize that these setbacks are neither final nor fatal. I will, or I won't, but no matter what, I won't let it destroy me from the inside.

I've learned a couple other valuable lessons in this past year. At the end of the day, my behavioral responsibilities can be simplified to two categories: how I act and how I react. I have no control on the others around me, but I am in complete control of my responses and approaches to them. This school year, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have had to raise my voice. You might read that as passive resignation and assume my classroom is a madhouse. You would be unequivocally wrong. I have had better control of my classes as a direct result. Radiate calm and peace, and you will reap the benefits.

I have also learned how small the world truly is and how some things we see as impossible are merely man-made mountains. I had over a dozen Twitter interactions with my favorite WWE superstar this past year. I conversed with my #1 celebrity crush (Victoria Justice). I have built meaningful friendships with bands I looked up to in college. People who left my life long ago found their way back through coincidence. Heck, Myrna even resurfaced (but let's not get into that). From this point on, I refuse to view anything as impossible. I accept improbability, but I refuse to be defeated by anyone or anything.

As I reach 32, I hope to continue learning and staying two steps ahead of Father Time. Thank you for listening to me, believing in me, noticing me, and accepting me. You are wonderful, and I wouldn't be who I am without you. Onward and upward!

2018 in Review

Thanks for putting up with the delay. From being out of town for the holidays and the subsequent readjustment, this post is a bit later than I'd prefer. 2018 was not the painful experience that 2017 was, yet it was often absent of the joy that filled 2015, 2016, and even early 2017. In many ways, I continued the ascent as I had hoped and written at the beginning of 2018. The passivity that plagued much of my existence has greatly dissipated, and my self-awareness is heightened beyond what I could have imagined just a few years ago. While it is my sincerest hope that this piece of writing is of interest to you, the reader, this exercise is largely put in place for me to look back on this particular time unit somewhere down the road. For your benefit and mine, I have separated the year into thematic sections. For the 15th consecutive year, this is my year in review.

The Ever-Moving Goalposts (Work)
My second year at Kellar wrapped up without much issue. This group of students, just like their predecessors, took the Constitution Test seriously and made me look good in the process. It was likely this success that led to change in both components of my teaching assignment. My work with this particular group of students was not yet complete. When they moved to 8th grade, so did I. I was excited for that challenge and to work with the 9th grade team, though I had a hard time leaving my 7th grade team, the most cohesive team I have ever had the opportunity to join. However, I was not quite excited to have to give up teaching social studies to move over to writing. While you all know that I enjoy recreational writing (and often have plenty to say), I have always viewed writing as more of a hobby than as a career. That said, I have embraced the opportunity to incorporate thematic writing units of my choosing. In September, we engaged in a mini-unit in accordance with Suicide Prevention Week. In December, students learned about holiday traditions around the world, and some brought their own traditions into my classroom. It has been a unique experience to teach basically the same group for two years in a row, but I would like to think we have grown together (even amidst the chaos around us).

A bittersweet component of 2018 was having to say goodbye to my first Kellar group and see them graduate and move on to high school. There were 7-8 boys who made a point of visiting my classroom at least once a day (sometimes multiple times) just to check in and get my feedback and advice. One of the highlights of my year was to spend a number of January and February afternoons watching two of my girls dominate the volleyball court. I miss them every day (though I keep pictures of about 10 of them on my desk), but I am so proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. And who knows? Maybe I have a bit more to teach them too...

Trudging Through (Grad School)
I knew that 2018 was going to be a year of hard work and little movement. There are periods that are foundational that serve to lay the groundwork for big things in the future. 2018 was foundational, especially in terms of grad school. I completed 24 more credits of my doctoral program, pushing me to 43 completed credits with 21 credits (and a dissertation to go). I had the privilege of learning with and from some very talented individuals who have a vast array of life experiences (from martial arts instructors to hospital administrators to former coordinators in China). The feedback that I have received from these individuals lets me know that I can do it. As long as I can keep my focus and drive, I WILL do it.

Life: The Continuum of Gain and Loss
If there is a lesson that continues to present itself in my nearly 32 years on this planet, it is that neither good nor bad possess any permanence. Enjoy the good times, for they will not last. Endure the hard times, for they not eternal. This year was more of the same. It is always a highlight to visit my niece, Hadley. My brother in law's job sent him from Maryland to San Diego, California, this year, so my visits took me coast to coast. I love seeing her, but it is always difficult to leave (especially as she gets older and understands leaving).

In January, Myrna crawled out of whatever hole she had sequestered herself in to make contact with me. We talked a little and she asked me if we could talk again soon. She never resurfaced, and it hurt. I admit that I am not fully over that, but at least I am no longer deluding myself into believing that I was. I made a number of new friends in 2018. Some lasted only for a season; others stuck around. In June, I started seeing a girl. We went out a bunch of times in a short period of time, and it ended almost as quickly. It happens! I have had lifelong friends fade away, and a friend who had helped me through a lot of things virtually disappeared. On the other hand, there are people I thought I would never hear from again who resurfaced in 2018. I accept the ebbs and flows that life provides, that for every new beginning (the trip to Missouri for Mike and Annie's wedding), there is an end (the passing of my grandma after a quick but strong illness).

I don't know that I have fully grasped the idea that both of my grandmothers are now gone. I tried to mentally prepare myself for this reality the last few years that both were living, but the reality is that certain things cannot be handled through preparation but rather through experience. It has made me a lot more nostalgic, especially as I realize the consistent holiday traditions I had for much of the first 30 years of my life will never happen again. i accept this (like I have much of a choice), and embrace what life has in store for me next.

Music: Saving Me, Moving Me, Making Me Feel Again
2018 was a year that presented opportunities to see a lot of live music. Those of you who follow me on Instagram know that I am an avid collector of vinyl records, and while I am very proud of my collection, I am very pleased that I had the opportunity to see and be moved by some of my favorite bands in person. Music brought me to 1 festival and three concerts in three different states.

In May, my friend Whitney put up a post on Facebook to see if anyone would be interested in going with her to see The Used in concert. It was close to the end of my school year, and I needed a bit of a mental break from everything, so I said that I'd go and made the 3 hour drive to Fort Wayne, Indiana, to make it happen. I am so happy that I did. It was nice to meet up in person with a longtime online friend, and The Used put on an incredibly energetic performance.

In late spring, one of my favorite bands, Day at the Fair, announced they were playing a benefit show in New Jersey in June. I had been planning to visit my sister in Maryland that weekend anyway, so the stars aligned for me to start my trip a day early to go to New Jersey to see that show. I've gotten to know Chris, Todd, and Rob (and his wife, Kim) over the years through Facebook and this blog, and I was excited to get to finally meet them in person. Let me tell you, not only have they created music that has connected with my spirit, they are some of the most wonderful people I have ever encountered. From meeting me at the door to taking me backstage with them to Kim staying with me the whole show, I felt like I was part of a scene that came and went long before I was even aware of its existence. When the band played my favorite song in the world (Everything I've Ever Wanted) and surprised me by dedicating it to me, it was a gesture that moved me beyond what these words can express. For that, I thank you.

In July, I made the decision to go to Warped Tour because it was its last countrywide tour. Because of rain on the Tinley date, I decided to take the trek up to Milwaukee to see Warped there. The Warped experience is a really unique one, because even though I might not look like a pop punk or emo kid on the outside with my beard, professionally coifed hair, and Express wardrobe, it's a place where I really feel comfortable. I got to finally meet Lindsey for the first time at that show, and she was kind enough to let me tag along with her people for a couple sets. Over the course of the day, I got to see 20 bands, some of which I have been a fan for more than a decade, others who recently entered my music library. I got to hear As It Is perform "No Way Out", We the Kings perform "Check Yes Juliet", and State Champs steal the show. Unlike 2014, I did not get miserably ill after!

In October, I got to take my friend Jaclyn to see her favorite band, Neck Deep, perform at the same place in Indiana that I had seen The Used. We sprung for the VIP tickets, which included an acoustic set from the band and a meet and greet with them. Being the sarcastic teacher that I am, I could not help but make some silly comments in response to the more asinine questions the band received, but nobody was offended and everyone had a good laugh. In addition to Neck Deep, WSTR, Trophy Eyes, and Stand Atlantic also performed. I had the opportunity to meet Bonnie from Stand Atlantic. It was a really fun night.

While I like to consider myself a thoughtful person (and certainly introspective), I am not an outwardly emotional person. Yet, music was directly responsible for bringing me to tears in public on two separate occasions. First, Mayday Parade (a band which I discovered through Jannelle, which already brings emotional ties with it), played "Oh Well, Oh Well". The words of the bridge hit me like a brick, and all the pain that I had pent up from the Myrna situation came rushing out. Before I realized it, liquid was coming out of my eyes! I thought that would never happen again -- until it did. During the Neck Deep set, Ben Barlow was introducing "19 Seventy Sumthin'", the story about his parent's love and the subsequent loss of his father. The sincerity and transparency in his words when discussing the events that led him to pen the song and the emotions that followed moved me in a way I was unsure I could be moved at this point in my life. When I cried during the Mayday Parade song, it was about my own life and missing Myrna. In this case, it was someone else's story that moved me to tears. I am so thankful for music that helps me connect to those parts of me that I do not always have easy access to.

The Knockdowns
The year was exhausting. My exercise habits at the start of the year were much stronger than at the end of the year. I lost focus and got tired out. I felt weary. I got sick for two and a half years in December and missed the gym for a month. The Seahawks game I attended in Chicago went poorly. At times, I embraced old habits. That said, of everything that knocked me down, NOTHING knocked me out. 2018 made me more keenly aware of weaknesses and trouble areas to either avoid or embrace and strengthen. Every lesson I learned was valuable, and I take these lessons with me moving forward.

What's Next?
2019, like 2018, will be largely foundational, but as we are nearing the emergence of the fruits of my labor, it will be very important for me to plow ahead and make things happen. Soon I will be posting my goals and outlook for 2019. Without spoiling too much, I am grounded yet optimistic for what is to come. Whether you have been in my life for 20+ years or a few months, whether you have yo-yo'ed in and out of my life over the years, whether you have decided to get off this train, I thank you for spending a portion of this journey with me. Onward and upward.

2018 in List Form

Hey, hey! It's been a little while. Given the busy nature of 2018, I do not have the time to update this as I did in years past (especially since my writing time is spent on grad school). That said, I absolutely was not going to let 2018 fade into the night without keeping my end of year writing traditions. 2018 was a great year for music, both with album releases and live shows that I was fortunate to attend. Because of the glut of wonderful music, I'll be rolling with a top 20 list for both songs and albums. As always, I throw out the disclaimer that these are merely my favorites and are by no means a definitive list of anything. The longer year in review post will still be happening shortly after this one.

Songs
1. Senses Fail - Shaking Hands
2. Trophy Eyes - I Can Feel It Calling
3. Mayday Parade - It's Hard to Be Religious When Certain People Are Never Incinerated by Bolts of Lightning
4. With Confidence - Moving Boxes
5. State Champs - Frozen
6. Slaves - I'd Rather See Your Star Explode
7. You Me At Six - Straight to My Head
8. Hawthorne Heights - Edge of Town
9. Good Charlotte - Actual Pain
10. LANY - I Don't Want to Love You Anymore
11. Stand Atlantic - Lavender Bones
12. The Wonder Years - Pyramids of Salt
13. Like Pacific - In Spite of Me
14. Joyce Manor - Friends We Met Online
15. WSTR - Silly Me
16. Death Cab For Cutie - Your Hurricane
17. Dashboard Confessional - We Fight
18. The 1975 - Be My Mistake
19. Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness - House in the Trees
20. This Wild Life - Westlife

Albums
1. State Champs – Living Proof
2. Senses Fail - If There Is Light, It Will Find You
3. Trophy Eyes - The American Dream
4. Good Charlotte - Generation Rx
5. With Confidence - Love and Loathing
6. Hawthorne Heights - Bad Frequencies
7. Mayday Parade - Sunnyland
8. As It Is - The Great Depression
9. Ruston Kelly - Dying Star
10. The 1975 - A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships
11. WSTR - Identity Crisis
12. The Wonder Years - Sister Cities
13. Stand Atlantic - Skinny Dipping
14. You Me At Six - VI
15. Dashboard Confessional - Crooked Shadows
16. The Dangerous Summer - The Dangerous Summer
17. Andrew W.K. - You're Not Alone
18. We the Kings - Six
19. This Wild Life - Petaluma
20. Like Pacific - In Spite of Me

TV Shows
1. NCIS: Los Angeles
2. Suits
3. Impractical Jokers
4. NCIS
5. The Edge and Christian Show (That Totally Reeks of Awesomeness)

Sports Moments
1. Seahawks clinch playoff spot by beating Chiefs on SNF
2. Dolph Ziggler wins Intercontinental Championship on Raw.
3. Becky Lynch was Last Woman Standing at Evolution
4. Seahawks dominate Vikings on MNF
5. Dolph Ziggler returns at Royal Rumble, causing me to pull a calf muscle and subsequently throw things when he got eliminated.

Personal Moments
As is the new norm, these will just be bullet points and in no particular order
•Seeing The Used and catching up with whitney and Stan
•Hearing a bunch of my favorite bands at Warped in Milwaukee (especially when As It Is played No Way Out and Mayday Parade performed Oh Well, Oh Well)
•Getting to finally meet Lindsey at Warped (keeping my fingers crossed that we can see some more music together in 2019)
•Haircuts with Amber
•Neck Deep, Stand Atlantic, WSTR, and Trophy Eyes with Jaclyn; getting to meet Neck Deep and Stand Atlantic
•Visiting Maryland in April, and June and getting an unexpected visit from Hadley in November
•8th grade graduation and the Blue and Gold Ball
•Continuing my doctoral journey, which is now two-thirds complete
•The new challenge of being a writing teacher and teaching the same students that I taught last year
•The many new people I met this year (mostly from Tinder), who all taught me something about myself and gave me clarity regarding what I want in my life moving forward
•Volleyball games and cheering for Alexis and Camila
•Going to Indiana for gummies(~!)
•Watching my students rock the Constitution Test again
•A trip to New Jersey to see Day at the Fair perform, to finally meet Rob, Kim, Chris, and Todd, and to not only hear my favorite song in the world but have it dedicated to me
•That one time I talked to Myrna in 2018
•Thanksgiving at the Smoljan residence
•Fortnite with Kenny and the squad
•The continued growth of my vinyl collection and the trips I'll make to Schaumburg and Bloomingdale to look for additions

That's a Wrap on Another Lap (Around the Sun)

In general, we as humans enjoy over-simplification and compartmentalization as if both were beloved pastimes. Your humble author is plenty guilty of this as well. One would need only a cursory glance at my blog to find numerous examples of this. I know that evaluating a year in a vacuum is perhaps a foolhardy exercise and that years were merely meant to serve as a measurement of our planet’s revolution around the sun. That said, reflecting on the past 365 days and the growth (and occasional stagnation) is a nice simple way to put a bow on my year as a 30 year old.

Before I delve deeply into the reflection, I feel that there is something to share with you, something that most of you do not know.

I was inches away from not making it to 30, let alone 31.

Exactly one year ago, I came closer to death than I ever had to that point. It was a perfect storm of events. I was off work for my birthday (a Tuesday) but had to work on Monday. I decided to take a personal day as a gift to myself. A girl who I had met on Tinder but never dated had posted something on Snapchat about needing a ride to whatever the White Sox call their field now because she was working Opening Day. Since I had nothing better to do, I offered to give her a ride.

Shortly after dropping her off, I was redirected from my path home due to construction. To this day, I do not know if the school bus blew the red light or if I did (based on the lack of traffic otherwise, I am assuming it was the school bus), but a school bus was heading towards my driver’s side at 50 mph. I remember it so distinctly because the instant before I noticed, my music suddenly stopped playing. I then noticed the bus flying at me and stepped on my gas pedal as hard as I could. Another millisecond or another inch and that probably would have been the end of me.

Starting my year as a 30 year old on the heels of that event affected my outlook on the year as a whole, even though at that moment in time I had no idea how things were going to all shake out. It became important to me to live purposefully and with clarity in my words and actions.

I am by nature a reflective person, but one of the most valuable lessons I learned this year was to stop repetitively and methodically beating up myself over the “What ifs”. What if I had done this differently with Myrna? Would she still be around? I spent a number of restless nights on those questions before I realized the utterly pointless nature of the exercise. The reality is that I can only focus on the here and now. I cannot affect the hypotheticals; instead, my job is to exude strength and meaning in my actions and my reactions. At the end of the day, those actions and reactions are the truest power we have.

Most years run into one another, but there are certain “landmark” years in which I was able to look back and note a marked change or redirection in my life. 13 year old Jakob set the stage for my adolescence. 21 year old Jakob put the wheels into motion for the evolution of myself into the person that I always wanted to be. 24 year old Jakob found motivation that ever iteration since has used to drive progress and achievement. 30 year old Jakob is the Jakob that finally found strength. I found my voice, and I realized it was okay to step up and stand out because I am strong enough to handle the consequences, both good and bad. I found that even though it is great to have the support and company of others, I can do it alone and can get rid of those who no longer fit my mission and vision. Do I wish that strength did not come as a result of someone I loved leaving me? Of course. But if I have learned anything in this year, it is to leave the “What ifs” alone and replace them with “What is”.

This year was filled with both accomplishments and setbacks professionally, physically, and personally, but I like the direction things are going. There is much work to be done, and I am excited to make things happen. I always did like the number 31…

2018: Continue the Ascent

By this point I am well aware that the beginning of a year does not possess any amount of magical powers that empower humanity to miraculously reach goals that were previously unattained. However, what a new year does do is provide both a figurative and literal fresh start and blank canvas upon which we can paint our year in the image we have envisioned for ourselves. While I do not necessarily make New Year’s resolutions, I do believe it is important to enter into a new year with a plan of action.

2017 was productive in many ways but painful in many others. I do feel that ultimately I progressed upward in my trajectory, but there is still work to be done. While thinking about what I ultimately want to accomplish in 2018, it was important that I was realistic with myself and did not make promises that I could not keep. For example, I could promise to write 30 posts in 2018, but the reality is that unless there is 30 posts worth of inspiration (of which I have no guarantee that there will be), it would a futile and frustrating endeavor. I cannot set goals that require actions from other individuals. I am only responsible for myself. That said, there is a great deal that I wish to accomplish in 2018. Here are some of the major highlights.

Complete at least 27 more hours of coursework in my doctoral program with at least a 3.9 GPA
To this point I have progressed well through the program. I have completed 7 credit hours and am about to receive credit for an additional 12 hours as a result of work I did while pursuing my master’s degree. I am no longer at the bottom of the mountain, but there is a long journey before I ascend to the peak. I am on track to complete a significant portion of that journey in 2018, and I have high standards for myself. Ultimately, I would love to maintain my 4.0 GPA, but I do not want to focus so hard on the grade that I neglect to totally immerse myself with the content. I want to succeed. I believe I will succeed. I just have to continue to do the work.

Strictly adhere to a daily schedule
I have personal, professional, educational, and physical goals. Sometimes it feels as though there are not enough hours in the day to attack all of these goals. To combat these feelings, I have comprised a daily schedule for myself that allows for each of these goals to be addressed. I was very good at maintaining a rigorous workout schedule during the first quarter of 2017, but as stress and disappointment began to pile up, I got off track. I am not going to allow myself to get off track in 2018. Once I fully adapt to having this daily routine, I believe I will be able to devote both the time and effort needed to relentlessly attack my goals.

Minimize processed sugar intake
Again, this was something that I excelled in maintaining during the first quarter of 2017. When life got tough, I sought out comfort in sugar. That is simply not going to be acceptable in 2017. I do not need soft drinks, energy drinks, or candy. Yes, some exceptions can be made during holidays, but not to the point that an entire diet can be thrown off.

Continue to seek out innovative ways of reaching students without losing what makes me special
Education is challenging because it is such a dynamic field. What’s new will become old, and what’s old will become new again. There is very little patience in seeing programs or initiatives through to the very end. As such, it can be very difficult as a teacher to accomplish the things you wish to accomplish whilst simultaneously appeasing the school or district higher-ups. It is my sincerest hope that I can balance the two (occasionally seemingly opposing) forces in a manner that still engages the student and allows me to still be me. Quite often this seems like a major conundrum, but I am confident that I can make it work.

Continue to find and develop the strength within
Life without Myrna as a regular stabilizing and balancing presence has been admittedly difficult, but what it has taught me is that I cannot rely on others to be my strength, my motivation, or my catalyst. I have to accomplish my goals and objectives through my own drive, determination, and strength. Yes, family and friends can provide support along the way, but the person getting things done for Jakob has to be Jakob. When she does return to having a regular presence in my life, I want to be strong enough to be able to do things and not come across as so needy. I’ve made a significant amount of headway in this regard. I must continue my ascent.
The goals I have for myself in 2018 are not new or unfamiliar. Much of the foundation has already been laid by the work I have done over the course of the past year. It will not be easy, but I’m moving in the right direction and already know the route I need to get to where I want to be. I look forward to continuing the ascent.

2017 in Review

2017 has been a year of growing (and outgrowing) certain roles, traditions, and niches that I had cast for myself. As such, the traditional format of this post has evolved as well. This year didn’t have the nicely categorized major events that would fit neatly into a month-by-month format. I didn’t really think you all needed or wanted to read something like June: Big fight with someone. October: Bigger fight with someone. Honestly, the growth that was made this year isn’t something that happened as the result of one catalyzing event but rather was the result of gradual focus and effort, which I believe is best served with a broader narrative approach. With all that said, here was my 2017.

When the calendar turned to 2017, I was honestly feeling pretty burned out at my job. I honestly don’t think I had developed the proper mindset to do the job well and was still harboring resentment from how my previous job had ended. In many regards, I still pined for Prairie-Hills. However, I began to make a concerted effort to remain calm and peaceful and to not let anything throw me off. When I returned to work from Winter Break, there was a marked change in my demeanor and my patience with the students. Many remarked how much calmer I was.

This change in approach enabled me to come to a deeper understanding of the students I was tasked with serving. I learned which students required the finesse approach and which ones needed a metaphorical fire lit under their rears. I found better ways of reaching them. The fact that well over 90% of my students passed their Constitution Test was a testament to the success of this approach.

I had my bumps along the way with that group, but I can honestly say that we formed a bond that is stronger than the average teacher/student bond. The fact that over a quarter of these students come to visit me on a (mostly) daily basis is something I value more than they probably even realize. As instrumental I may or may not have been to their growth, they were and are an integral component to my growth as an educator and as a person.

At the beginning of the year, I wanted to take an enhanced focus on my physical wellbeing. Those of you who know me well know that exercise has been an important component of my life for a number of years, but I wanted to test the limits of what I could accomplish by putting an extreme amount of focus into my workouts. Consequently, I started 2017 by going to the gym twice a day. I would complete cardio before work, lift after work, and work on my abs and core nightly at home. The results were phenomenal. I found that even though I considered myself in fairly good shape, I could transform myself into elite shape rather quickly. By May, I was in the best shape of my life. Unfortunately, I let life’s stressors get in the way of that focus and output, and for most of the second half of the year I neglected the cardio and abdominal work. But I enter 2018 knowing what I am capable of accomplishing and look forward to continuing my ascent.

Turning 30 was something that I dreaded for a while. I felt like my 20s were a decade spent playing catch up from the stunted development that was my adolescence (and was largely the result of the fundamentalist Pentecostal “guilt culture” that defined my youth). However, when the day came, I realized that age was merely a mile marker and that the checkpoints that I was so insistent on using to define the productivity of my life were merely a product of my own perceptions and misconceptions. I realized that at 30, I’ve done some things. I’ll do more things. There is not one set route to get from one end of the game of life to the other, and that’s okay.
I don’t really talk about my personal life on social media anymore (for good reason), but I feel like I would be remiss if I didn’t tell the whole story of this year. This portion of 2017 is very important to the whole story. I had a best friend and fell in love with her. I don’t know which came first, the realization that she was my best friend or that I had fallen in love with her. Honestly, they both probably happened at the same time, and both happened before 2017. I entered the year very excited to see where the year would take us. She was my biggest fan, my greatest supporter, my encourager and calming force. She was the one I was most excited to go to with good news and the first one I wanted to vent about my bad days to. She was the first girl I ever knew that not only tolerated the most ridiculous parts of me but actually appreciated them. We spent many nights texting, FaceTiming, or talking on the phone before bed.

Things changed in June. She began to be more distant without rhyme or reason. Finally at the end of the month, things came to a head. We got into a big fight. Unfortunately that fight was merely the snowball that avalanched into months of fights that only got worse and more personal. Something had changed with her, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I knew that there had to be something in her life causing her to lash out this way, but she tends to be a lone wolf, and all I could do was love her from a distance. After our worst fight in October, she did eventually come back and apologize, but for the most part she’s been absent since. I know things will not remain this way forever, but I would be lying if I said it hasn’t affected me.

Losing my best friend was something that completely wrecked me. I started waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains and/or panic attacks. I had such great difficulties in falling asleep and then staying asleep. I was about to embark on my doctorate, and for the first time in my career as a student, I lacked the self-belief that I could accomplish this objective. I stopped working out as hard. I lost my catalyst.

Through this pain came a valuable lesson. It is great to be in love. It is great to have a best friend. However, I could not rely on this person as my catalyst. I had to be strong enough in myself to do the things I needed to do. I didn’t need to save her and she didn’t need to save me. For us to eventually work out someday we didn’t need to be two halves; we needed to both be whole. For this, I credit my friend Chelsey. She had been my friend for years, but this summer she really took charge and helped me get a hold of my life and get a hold of myself. She explained to me that I needed to do the work myself in some areas if I ever wanted the other areas to fall in place. I needed to break old habits, to grow out of old roles, and do things that might initially seem counterintuitive in order to get to where I ultimately want to be.

Breaking out of old roles and easing into new ones has not been particularly easy, but it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Those of you who have known me in person for a while know that for a long time, I have been content to fly under the radar and fade into the background. I have long preferred to do my thing without being noticed or bothered. However, I realized that sometimes that mindset impedes you from accomplishing that which you wish to accomplish. At work, I have found myself as the one who speaks up for my team. When there is a better way of doing something, I do not hesitate to bring it up. When things are not quite right, I found my voice to speak up. I have found that if I do not stand up for myself and for others, there is no guarantee that anyone else will. I carry myself with more confidence and authority. I still have a ways to go in terms of growing into this role (in extended family gatherings, for example, I haven’t yet found this voice), but I am proud of the growth I have made in that regard.

I no longer look at challenges as insurmountable. I know what I can accomplish because I can look back on what I have accomplished. I am 19 hours into my doctoral program. Yes, I still have 45 more hours of classes and a dissertation to complete, but I have conquered and will continue to conquer. In a short time, I will be Dr. Duehr. I know that work might continue to throw unexpected curveballs my way, but I can adapt and adjust, and I WILL continue to reach these kids by being nobody other than myself. I will get into even greater shape in 2018.

While I realize that I have accomplished much of what I have accomplished on my own and without the help of others, I have not taken this journey completely alone. From parents who put up with me on a daily basis to family in Maryland who allow me to crash in their downstairs nook to current coworkers who put up with my silliness to old coworkers who still check up on me, from childhood friends who catch up sporadically to GameFAQs and Stickam friends who became family to newer friends made in the most random of places, I appreciate each and every one of you. 2017 was a challenge, but as I write all of this, I realize that the year was not as dire as I often perceived it to be. Most pieces are falling into place, and if I maintain my focus and resolve, I will continue my ascent.

2017 in List Form

Even though the year was not great in many ways, my outlets for entertainment and/or distraction were of high quality. Music was especially important this year. As always, I throw out the disclaimer that this by no means is a definitive list of anything. It’s just one guy’s preferences of what he liked in a given year.

Songs
1. Day at the Fair – Thankful
2. As It Is – No Way Out
3. Falling in Reverse – I’m Bad at Life
4. Acceptance – Come Closer
5. You Me at Six – Take On the World
6. Have Mercy – Smoke and Lace
7. Silverstein – Ghost
8. Bleachers – All My Heroes
9. Julia Michaels – Issues
10. Papa Roach – Periscope
11. Ed Sheeran – Perfect
12. All Time Low – Ground Control
13. Neck Deep – Critical Mistake
14. The Maine – Black Butterflies and Deja Vu
15. Imagine Dragons – Whatever It Takes
16. New Found Glory – The Sound of Two Voices
17. Weezer – Feels Like Summer

Albums
1. As It Is – Okay
2. Day at the Fair – The Epilogue
3. Silverstein – Dead Reflection
4. Neck Deep – The Peace and the Panic
5. Have Mercy – Make the Best of It
6. Manchester Orchestra – A Black Mile to the Sun
7. You Me at Six – Night People
8. Falling in Reverse – Coming Home
9. Ed Sheeran – Divide
10. Acceptance – Colliding by Design
11. Brand New – Science Fiction
12. The Maine – Lovely Little Lonely
13. All Time Low – Last Young Renegade
14. Seaway – Vacation
15. The Killers – Wonderful Wonderful
16. Bleachers – Gone Now
17. Lights – Skin & Earth

TV Shows
1. Mr. Robot
2. Suits
3.NCIS: Los Angeles
4. Impractical Jokers
5. WWE SmackDown Live (judge me all you want)

Sports Moments
1. Seahawks defeat Lions in playoffs
2. Cubs advance to NLCS by beating Nationals
3. Seahawks dominate Eagles
4. Ottawa Senators take the Penguins to the limit
5. Dolph Ziggler wins US Title (and subsequently gives it up because he’s Dolph Ziggler)

Personal Moments
Like last year, these will just be bullet points
•Catching up with Nick after 8 years
•New friendships with people from a variety of backgrounds and places
•Visiting Maryland in April, June, August, and November
•Writing my students letters and making them cry
•Starting on my doctorate
•The unexpected fun of critiquing a live Ariana Grande concert with my sister and my cousin
•Debriefing calls with Chelsey after she’s read my unfortunate text conversations
•The random weird mall in Bloomingdale that I unexpectedly discovered
•Going to Indiana for gummies(~!)
•Watching my students rock the Constitution Test
•Vistis with Hadley
•Calls, texts, Skype, and FaceTime with Myrna to end our nights by hearing each other's voice (Oh, how I miss these…)
•Dinners with Aunt Dianna
•Staff outings that are unexpectedly enjoyable
•Searching for and finding new vinyl records

The Doctor Will Be In Shortly (2.5 - 3 Years)

If you know me well, you know that I lack the ability to stay content with myself for any extended period of time. Anything that I have had the privilege of accomplishing only satisfies me temporarily. I know that this quality of mine is not necessarily the best quality to have, but it always keeps me hungry for the next thing. After a period of consideration, I have found my latest and greatest “next thing”, and I am ready to share it with all of you. I will be starting on my doctorate in August of this year.

Getting my master’s degree was an accomplishment in and of itself, and it opened doors that had long been closed in my life. I had never even gotten looks at Prairie-Hills or Kellar until I had that extra bit of education. However, the master’s degree was never my endgame. I didn’t want to stop there. I knew that someday I wanted to go further. I just didn’t know that day would come so soon.

Working in education, I see the world shifting in some directions for which I do not particularly care. It’s not an easy time to be revolving around the sun as a patron of this planet, that’s for sure. I feel blessed to be able to do what I do and attempt to make a measure of difference, but unfortunately my direct scope is limited to the students I teach. That means I really only get to directly affect change in 105 people at a time. I’m sorry, but that just isn’t enough for me anymore. I don’t want my footprint to be that small. I want to do more and broaden my scope. Pursuing my doctorate will enable me to do just that.

With a doctorate, my possibilities within the field of education expand exponentially. I can reach college students, especially those who are nearly ready to embark on their own career within the field of education. I can assume a leadership position at a school or district level and be able to affect change that reaches an entire school or district of schools rather than simply a classroom of students. With this degree I could assume leadership roles within educational companies that could directly impact curriculum and the presentation of education in myriad schools and districts. While I am currently unclear of precisely the next route I wish to travel in my educational journey, I do know that I want to broaden my scope of influence, and this degree will go a long way toward allowing me to reach that end.

I want to be able to do more for the people around me who I care about that are in need. As a teacher, I am unfortunately limited by my salary. Compensation is not the greatest. Moving onward and upward would help me to reach more in a greater, tangible way, and that is something that greatly excites me.

I do not expect this to be easy. Even as I write this, my excitement is tempered by the reality that this task is quite daunting. The idea of composing a dissertation is not one that particularly appeals to me. That said, this is the best time for me to do this. I am not married. I do not have any children of my own. The longer I put this off, the longer the odds that I will ever see this through. I am at the point in my life where I NEED to see certain things through, even if I have to travel to the ends of the earth to make them happen.

This is going to take a lot of my time, thoughts, and energy, but I will be a better person for having completed this. The idea of being a doctor at the age of 32 does sound rather appealing. I’m understandably apprehensive, but I’ve got this. Please support me along the way.

Behind the Curtain: No Room for Gray

In the last post I touched a little on my manic nature in the areas that on which I place a high level of importance. Nearly a decade ago my friend Jess characterized me as “driven, almost to the point of obsession”. That statement was accurate then and alarmingly accurate now. For maybe the first time, I will humbly attempt to explain that nature as best as I can.

I understand that we live in a world in which the idea of clear-cut, black and white things has become increasingly antiquated. There are so many things for which I do not have the answer. However, when it comes to my own life, goals, and ambitions, my world is entirely black and white. I succeed, or I fail. There is absolutely no middle ground.

When I was younger, I used to take solace in what I deemed the “moral victories”. If I got farther on something than I expected to (yet still failed, mind you), I would take pride in how close I came to succeeding. After a while, those moral victories ceased to have any importance to me. If I set a goal, I fully expect to achieve it. Anything short of that goal is not good enough.

As I have now crossed the threshold of being 30 years old, I have vastly improved on my tendencies to both live in and dwell on the past, but I still struggle in this area in some ways. If someone brings up college, I am quick to remember that I missed out on graduating summa cum laude by .008 grade points. I am quick to remember that I missed out on thousands of dollars in scholarship money by one question on the ACT. For all that I have accomplished and hopefully will continue to accomplish, it is those failures that stick to me.

Perhaps more than any other factor, my manic desire to succeed in the areas that matter to me are driven by desire to avoid the feelings of failure that I have felt too many times in my life to date. I haven’t really had family members or friends call me a failure or tell me that I have disappointed them, so this tendency to be hard on myself is not affected by outside stimuli. I have a very clear picture of what I want my life to be and who I want to become. Some of those pieces are already in place, but for those that are not, I will scratch and claw and work myself to the bone until they happen. Yes, some things are beyond my purview of control, but that doesn’t stop me from maxing out on my effort.

I am so driven because I do not want to wake up in 10 years in the same place that I am now. I do not want to fail myself or others who count on me. Does that mean I beat myself up sometimes? Of course. Does that mean that some of my own feelings of failure occasionally seep into my relationships to the point that I set impossibly high standards for myself? Admittedly yes. But until I can find room for gray in my life, this is how it’s going to be. I will try to be a little easier on myself, but I will always aspire to be more than I currently am.