I didn’t stray from the path. Not this time. In fact, I had such intense focus I likely missed some opportunities along the way. Yet, all of that apparently did not matter. I am here, I feel so lost, and I am angry.
Feeling Lost (Again)
I lost my way once before, partly due to circumstances but largely of my own doing (or undoing, so to speak). In 2009, I entered the “real world” bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, painfully unaware of the political underpinnings prevalent in virtually all professions as well as the new realities following a massive recession. If you know me well, you know the story. I couldn’t find a job straight out of college, so I worked as a substitute teacher for three years. I did not take rejection very well. The evaporation of opportunity led to a deterioration of my confidence and subsequently any effort. By 2010, I was staying up until 3:30 am and sleeping until noon, doing little during the day outside of watching NCIS reruns on USA. I gained over half the weight I had lost. I lost hope. I lost myself.
As angry as I got by being told “When you do something worth clapping for, I’ll clap for you too” (and, to be honest, those words have left me with a permanent chip on my shoulder and perpetual need to prove myself), it lit a fire under me. I had such an intense fear of never meeting my potential that, to combat that fear, a relentless drive was born. I quickly lost that weight. I ran a marathon. I finally found that elusive teaching position. Most importantly, I promised myself that I would never lose my purpose again. To that end, I promised myself that I would always have a goal I was actively striving to achieve, whether it was a master’s degree, another marathon, the procurement of a public school teaching position, the opportunity to teach social studies, or the pursuit of a doctoral degree. For the better part of a decade, I have not stopped moving toward the next goal. I’ve had to sacrifice some things along the way. Maybe I didn’t have to sacrifice, but I did for the sake of reaching my goals.
There are aspects about myself I loathe, but there are components to who I am of which I am extremely proud. I have forged an identity for myself. Much of my identity can be tied to three things: my career as a teacher and the success I have had in forging relationships, my pursuit of a doctoral degree as a vehicle to turn education on its head conceptually, and my dedicated exercise plan. I didn’t have all my hopes and dreams, but I had purpose – until I didn’t.
Let me be clear that I feel blessed to be alive, to have a job that I can still somewhat do from home, and to have the people I’m closest to healthy and safe. That said, this is not easy. Without seeing the kids every day, I feel lost. Because I cannot go to work, I cannot conduct my dissertation research and collect data for future analysis. Without that vital component, my doctoral pursuit has ground to a halt. Without the daily trips to the gym, I have lost that daily routine and the mental break. I did everything right this time. I set goals and created paths to these goals, yet there was nothing I could do. Without these things that have become so deeply ingrained in the fibers of who I am, I’m lost. Things will dissipate in time (because life is nothing if not cyclical), but in the interim, this isn’t great.
A World That Never Had My Back
I might feel lost now, but I’ll find my way back. I don’t know if I can say the same about society. I am disheartened by a society that very likely has reached the point of no return. Times of trouble bring truth to the surface. It reveals the best of the best and the true colors of the worst. There are some great people out there doing great things, and I would be remiss if I did acknowledge that. However, corporate greed coupled with individualistic ignorance and arrogance disgusts me, and it makes me fearful we will ever truly get out of this.
We live in a world where people care more about being “right” than about actual individuals. The almighty dollar has long replaced human, animal, and environmental life as our most valued asset. My Facebook feed is constantly littered by fools (sorry, I said it) who want to deny science, skew data, and perpetuate the spread of conspiracies and utter lies because they feel a little inconvenienced. People who preach the “Gospel of Christ” yet would sell their souls to the devil himself if it meant appointing a pro-life judge or preserving their 401k. I’m sorry. I don’t care if we were friends, I don’t care if we spent time together in a classroom or church in the 90s or 00s… heck, I don’t even care if we share blood… our paths are no longer parallel. IF you care more about wealth or convenience than you do about people, you have nothing to offer me.
Another piece of my identity for over 25 years has been my love of professional wrestling, specifically the WWE. I’ve invested a lot of money and time into it over the years. In an alternate universe, that would be my job. They lost my trust and respect today. When you strong-arm a state government to allow you to continue to put your employees in serious health risks then summarily fire dozens of these employees, you are the very definition of corporate greed and wealth over humanity. This is but one of countless examples of a society that sickens me.
I recently have been confronted with an inescapable feeling that the world has turned its back on me (and you, dear reader), but I realized I was wrong. The world never had my back. In a national society that vastly prefers appearance over functionality, we are all cogs in a machine. Our utility defines our value. If the machine breaks, there is no use for us. We are deemed essential or nonessential. We get paid or we don’t. The few rise by climbing the backs of the many.
Where Do We Go From Here?
I don’t know what’s next for me, this country, or the global society. If this has shown us anything, it’s that, at the least, the system is horribly flawed. I want to be better. I want us to be better. Take care of yourselves. Take care of one another. Be willing to listen and be proven wrong. Be safe, and for the love of all that is good, stop being selfish. While this precipitous decline felt sudden, the seeds were planted over a period of time by a number of individuals. It’s going to take a collective societal and governmental effort to be better, so please, be better.
