Let me start by admitting that I didn't see this year coming but I refuse to use the word unprecedented at any point in this post beyond this sentence. Let me also state that my story probably isn't much different than any of yours; it is simply my personal harmonization to the song we collectively have sung for the greater part of the last 366 days. With that in mind, I don't know that I have any new or groundbreaking insights to share, but I do want to share my experience, if only for you to know that someone out there commiserates with you. This commences the 17th(!) annual Year in Review blog post.
Adapting
I fully expected this year to one in which I finally enjoyed the fruits of the labors of 2017, 2018, and 2019. In all honesty, the year started off phenomenally. My students had the highest growth percentages on their standardized tests in the school in December 2019 and were making great strides toward meeting or exceeding those numbers on the state benchmark exam in March. I found a rhythm in my diet and exercise and was physically stronger than I had ever been. I obtained approval for the first three chapters of my dissertation individually as well as collectively as a research proposal. I was set to commence research in the spring and wrap up my doctorate by the end of the summer. I had tickets to see some of my favorite bands for the first time with some of my favorite people. Things were trending upward! Then COVID happened
Were I equipped with the powers of foresight, I would not have taken a personal day at work two days before life shut down, as the rest of that school year became more or less a parade of personal days. Life changed on March 13. I never got to see those students in person again. I got sick myself, and even had the gym been open during that time, I would not have gone. I had to take a hiatus from the completion of my doctorate because I could not collect the research necessary to complete my dissertation. I spent three years meticulously laying a path, and I had to divert from it. In order to survive, we each had to adapt to our changing reality. If you are reading this, then you were successful in doing so, and no matter how difficult this year has been, you should be proud of yourselves for that.
Adjusting
Changing realities required changes in habits, routines, goals, and timelines. in some cases, adjusting meant finding new things to fill the void of activities which were not feasible at that time. I wish I could say I adjusted to not going to the gym by creating an awesome routine for myself at home, but I didn't. I started playing Animal Crossing. I got back to the gym when it opened and worked out with while masked, which I did until I got sick *again* in November. I changed some of my methods for data collection so I could continue my research in a virtual setting, which allowed me to end my hiatus from grad school at the end of September. I had to adjust my instructional style for a virtual setting, and while I do not find this particular medium for education ideal, I think the kids and I are doing alright, and we seem to be connecting in spite of the physical difference. I couldn't go to any actual concerts but I got to see some of my favorite bands perform virtually.
Accepting
While adapting and adjusting were challenging at times, perhaps the most difficult lesson I (and probably we) endured in 2020 was that of acceptance. We can fight the tide all we want (and those of you who have known me for a long time know that I have), but there comes a point where survival hinges on acceptance. I had to accept I will become Dr. Duehr in 2021 rather than 2020. A dream delayed is not a dream destroyed. I accept I am in the worst shape I have been in a decade, just as I accept the hard work it will take to return to the strength and stamina I had in March. I accept the missed opportunities of the past that the excess idle time we all had in 2020 brought back to the surface. I accept that with some, distance will only grow, and I accept that I held on to Myrna much longer than I should have. Ultimately, I accept that the good and bad in my life are cyclical, and who we are and who we want to be constantly change with time. Who I am now is who I am meant to be at this moment in time, but who I am now is not who I am meant to be in perpetuity.
Moving Forward
Collectively and individually, the past year has tested our mettle. I learned that success is not always found in the momentous victories but rather in resilience, resolve, and continued survival. I do not want to guarantee a less treacherous journey in the year ahead, but I am optimistic for myself as I am for each of you. I am proud of you for surviving, and I appreciate the connection I have with each of you, whatever that may be. Onward and upward!
Thursday, December 31, 2020
2020 in List Form
2020 has been weird. We all know it. I don't have a long list of all these cool experiences this year because most days the only excitement came from the excruciatingly difficult decision to spend the day in pajama pants or workout pants. That said, I still think it's a good exercise to document the things I did enjoy this year. There was some enjoyment amidst the mundanity, after all. The sections will not be the same as in past years, but I think we'll be okay. That said, here are some of the things which brought me joy in 2020.
As has been the norm this decade, this is less thoughtful counterpart to my Year in Review post in which I list a bunch of things which were relevant to me in 2019. While, compared to previous years, there was not as much that stood out to me from the realm of music, I was fortunate enough to attend five different concerts and see some bands that have been a consistent part of my listening rotation for over a decade. Here is my 2020 in list form.
Songs
1. Lauv – Feelings
2. The Ghost Inside - Aftermath
3. Spanish Love Songs - Beach Front Property
4. All Time Low - Safe
5. Neck Deep – Telling Stories
6. Silverstein - Bad Habits
7. Movements - No Good Left to Give
8. The Weeknd – Blinding Lights
9. Boston Manor - Monolith
10. Acceptance - Release and Let Go
Albums
1. All Time Low - Wake Up, Sunshine
2. Lauv - How I'm Feeling
3. Spanish Love Songs - Brave Faces, Everyone
4. Acceptance - Wild, Free
5. Taylor Swift - folklore
6. Machine Gun Kelly - Tickets to My Downfall
7. Movements - No Good Left to Give
8. Neck Deep - All Distortions Are Intentional
9. Broadside - Into the Raging Sea
10. Hot Mulligan - you'll be fine
Old Disney Channel TV Shows to Binge on Disney+
1. Stuck in the Middle
2. Hannah Montana
3. Girl Meets World
4. Good Luck Charlie
5. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
6. Lizzie McGuire
7. Bizaardvark
8. Jonas
9. Phil of the Future
10. Sonny With a Chance
Video Games as Mental/Emotional Diversions
1. Fortnite
2. Animal Crossing: New Horizons
3.Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
4. WWE Battlegrounds
Songs
1. Lauv – Feelings
2. The Ghost Inside - Aftermath
3. Spanish Love Songs - Beach Front Property
4. All Time Low - Safe
5. Neck Deep – Telling Stories
6. Silverstein - Bad Habits
7. Movements - No Good Left to Give
8. The Weeknd – Blinding Lights
9. Boston Manor - Monolith
10. Acceptance - Release and Let Go
Albums
1. All Time Low - Wake Up, Sunshine
2. Lauv - How I'm Feeling
3. Spanish Love Songs - Brave Faces, Everyone
4. Acceptance - Wild, Free
5. Taylor Swift - folklore
6. Machine Gun Kelly - Tickets to My Downfall
7. Movements - No Good Left to Give
8. Neck Deep - All Distortions Are Intentional
9. Broadside - Into the Raging Sea
10. Hot Mulligan - you'll be fine
Old Disney Channel TV Shows to Binge on Disney+
1. Stuck in the Middle
2. Hannah Montana
3. Girl Meets World
4. Good Luck Charlie
5. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
6. Lizzie McGuire
7. Bizaardvark
8. Jonas
9. Phil of the Future
10. Sonny With a Chance
Video Games as Mental/Emotional Diversions
1. Fortnite
2. Animal Crossing: New Horizons
3.Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
4. WWE Battlegrounds
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Not All Who Are Lost Wandered
I didn’t stray from the path. Not this time. In fact, I had such intense focus I likely missed some opportunities along the way. Yet, all of that apparently did not matter. I am here, I feel so lost, and I am angry.
Feeling Lost (Again)
I lost my way once before, partly due to circumstances but largely of my own doing (or undoing, so to speak). In 2009, I entered the “real world” bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, painfully unaware of the political underpinnings prevalent in virtually all professions as well as the new realities following a massive recession. If you know me well, you know the story. I couldn’t find a job straight out of college, so I worked as a substitute teacher for three years. I did not take rejection very well. The evaporation of opportunity led to a deterioration of my confidence and subsequently any effort. By 2010, I was staying up until 3:30 am and sleeping until noon, doing little during the day outside of watching NCIS reruns on USA. I gained over half the weight I had lost. I lost hope. I lost myself.
As angry as I got by being told “When you do something worth clapping for, I’ll clap for you too” (and, to be honest, those words have left me with a permanent chip on my shoulder and perpetual need to prove myself), it lit a fire under me. I had such an intense fear of never meeting my potential that, to combat that fear, a relentless drive was born. I quickly lost that weight. I ran a marathon. I finally found that elusive teaching position. Most importantly, I promised myself that I would never lose my purpose again. To that end, I promised myself that I would always have a goal I was actively striving to achieve, whether it was a master’s degree, another marathon, the procurement of a public school teaching position, the opportunity to teach social studies, or the pursuit of a doctoral degree. For the better part of a decade, I have not stopped moving toward the next goal. I’ve had to sacrifice some things along the way. Maybe I didn’t have to sacrifice, but I did for the sake of reaching my goals.
There are aspects about myself I loathe, but there are components to who I am of which I am extremely proud. I have forged an identity for myself. Much of my identity can be tied to three things: my career as a teacher and the success I have had in forging relationships, my pursuit of a doctoral degree as a vehicle to turn education on its head conceptually, and my dedicated exercise plan. I didn’t have all my hopes and dreams, but I had purpose – until I didn’t.
Let me be clear that I feel blessed to be alive, to have a job that I can still somewhat do from home, and to have the people I’m closest to healthy and safe. That said, this is not easy. Without seeing the kids every day, I feel lost. Because I cannot go to work, I cannot conduct my dissertation research and collect data for future analysis. Without that vital component, my doctoral pursuit has ground to a halt. Without the daily trips to the gym, I have lost that daily routine and the mental break. I did everything right this time. I set goals and created paths to these goals, yet there was nothing I could do. Without these things that have become so deeply ingrained in the fibers of who I am, I’m lost. Things will dissipate in time (because life is nothing if not cyclical), but in the interim, this isn’t great.
A World That Never Had My Back
I might feel lost now, but I’ll find my way back. I don’t know if I can say the same about society. I am disheartened by a society that very likely has reached the point of no return. Times of trouble bring truth to the surface. It reveals the best of the best and the true colors of the worst. There are some great people out there doing great things, and I would be remiss if I did acknowledge that. However, corporate greed coupled with individualistic ignorance and arrogance disgusts me, and it makes me fearful we will ever truly get out of this.
We live in a world where people care more about being “right” than about actual individuals. The almighty dollar has long replaced human, animal, and environmental life as our most valued asset. My Facebook feed is constantly littered by fools (sorry, I said it) who want to deny science, skew data, and perpetuate the spread of conspiracies and utter lies because they feel a little inconvenienced. People who preach the “Gospel of Christ” yet would sell their souls to the devil himself if it meant appointing a pro-life judge or preserving their 401k. I’m sorry. I don’t care if we were friends, I don’t care if we spent time together in a classroom or church in the 90s or 00s… heck, I don’t even care if we share blood… our paths are no longer parallel. IF you care more about wealth or convenience than you do about people, you have nothing to offer me.
Another piece of my identity for over 25 years has been my love of professional wrestling, specifically the WWE. I’ve invested a lot of money and time into it over the years. In an alternate universe, that would be my job. They lost my trust and respect today. When you strong-arm a state government to allow you to continue to put your employees in serious health risks then summarily fire dozens of these employees, you are the very definition of corporate greed and wealth over humanity. This is but one of countless examples of a society that sickens me.
I recently have been confronted with an inescapable feeling that the world has turned its back on me (and you, dear reader), but I realized I was wrong. The world never had my back. In a national society that vastly prefers appearance over functionality, we are all cogs in a machine. Our utility defines our value. If the machine breaks, there is no use for us. We are deemed essential or nonessential. We get paid or we don’t. The few rise by climbing the backs of the many.
Where Do We Go From Here?
I don’t know what’s next for me, this country, or the global society. If this has shown us anything, it’s that, at the least, the system is horribly flawed. I want to be better. I want us to be better. Take care of yourselves. Take care of one another. Be willing to listen and be proven wrong. Be safe, and for the love of all that is good, stop being selfish. While this precipitous decline felt sudden, the seeds were planted over a period of time by a number of individuals. It’s going to take a collective societal and governmental effort to be better, so please, be better.
Feeling Lost (Again)
I lost my way once before, partly due to circumstances but largely of my own doing (or undoing, so to speak). In 2009, I entered the “real world” bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, painfully unaware of the political underpinnings prevalent in virtually all professions as well as the new realities following a massive recession. If you know me well, you know the story. I couldn’t find a job straight out of college, so I worked as a substitute teacher for three years. I did not take rejection very well. The evaporation of opportunity led to a deterioration of my confidence and subsequently any effort. By 2010, I was staying up until 3:30 am and sleeping until noon, doing little during the day outside of watching NCIS reruns on USA. I gained over half the weight I had lost. I lost hope. I lost myself.
As angry as I got by being told “When you do something worth clapping for, I’ll clap for you too” (and, to be honest, those words have left me with a permanent chip on my shoulder and perpetual need to prove myself), it lit a fire under me. I had such an intense fear of never meeting my potential that, to combat that fear, a relentless drive was born. I quickly lost that weight. I ran a marathon. I finally found that elusive teaching position. Most importantly, I promised myself that I would never lose my purpose again. To that end, I promised myself that I would always have a goal I was actively striving to achieve, whether it was a master’s degree, another marathon, the procurement of a public school teaching position, the opportunity to teach social studies, or the pursuit of a doctoral degree. For the better part of a decade, I have not stopped moving toward the next goal. I’ve had to sacrifice some things along the way. Maybe I didn’t have to sacrifice, but I did for the sake of reaching my goals.
There are aspects about myself I loathe, but there are components to who I am of which I am extremely proud. I have forged an identity for myself. Much of my identity can be tied to three things: my career as a teacher and the success I have had in forging relationships, my pursuit of a doctoral degree as a vehicle to turn education on its head conceptually, and my dedicated exercise plan. I didn’t have all my hopes and dreams, but I had purpose – until I didn’t.
Let me be clear that I feel blessed to be alive, to have a job that I can still somewhat do from home, and to have the people I’m closest to healthy and safe. That said, this is not easy. Without seeing the kids every day, I feel lost. Because I cannot go to work, I cannot conduct my dissertation research and collect data for future analysis. Without that vital component, my doctoral pursuit has ground to a halt. Without the daily trips to the gym, I have lost that daily routine and the mental break. I did everything right this time. I set goals and created paths to these goals, yet there was nothing I could do. Without these things that have become so deeply ingrained in the fibers of who I am, I’m lost. Things will dissipate in time (because life is nothing if not cyclical), but in the interim, this isn’t great.
A World That Never Had My Back
I might feel lost now, but I’ll find my way back. I don’t know if I can say the same about society. I am disheartened by a society that very likely has reached the point of no return. Times of trouble bring truth to the surface. It reveals the best of the best and the true colors of the worst. There are some great people out there doing great things, and I would be remiss if I did acknowledge that. However, corporate greed coupled with individualistic ignorance and arrogance disgusts me, and it makes me fearful we will ever truly get out of this.
We live in a world where people care more about being “right” than about actual individuals. The almighty dollar has long replaced human, animal, and environmental life as our most valued asset. My Facebook feed is constantly littered by fools (sorry, I said it) who want to deny science, skew data, and perpetuate the spread of conspiracies and utter lies because they feel a little inconvenienced. People who preach the “Gospel of Christ” yet would sell their souls to the devil himself if it meant appointing a pro-life judge or preserving their 401k. I’m sorry. I don’t care if we were friends, I don’t care if we spent time together in a classroom or church in the 90s or 00s… heck, I don’t even care if we share blood… our paths are no longer parallel. IF you care more about wealth or convenience than you do about people, you have nothing to offer me.
Another piece of my identity for over 25 years has been my love of professional wrestling, specifically the WWE. I’ve invested a lot of money and time into it over the years. In an alternate universe, that would be my job. They lost my trust and respect today. When you strong-arm a state government to allow you to continue to put your employees in serious health risks then summarily fire dozens of these employees, you are the very definition of corporate greed and wealth over humanity. This is but one of countless examples of a society that sickens me.
I recently have been confronted with an inescapable feeling that the world has turned its back on me (and you, dear reader), but I realized I was wrong. The world never had my back. In a national society that vastly prefers appearance over functionality, we are all cogs in a machine. Our utility defines our value. If the machine breaks, there is no use for us. We are deemed essential or nonessential. We get paid or we don’t. The few rise by climbing the backs of the many.
Where Do We Go From Here?
I don’t know what’s next for me, this country, or the global society. If this has shown us anything, it’s that, at the least, the system is horribly flawed. I want to be better. I want us to be better. Take care of yourselves. Take care of one another. Be willing to listen and be proven wrong. Be safe, and for the love of all that is good, stop being selfish. While this precipitous decline felt sudden, the seeds were planted over a period of time by a number of individuals. It’s going to take a collective societal and governmental effort to be better, so please, be better.
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