As I sit here in the very same room at the very same desk I wrote a similar post 10 years ago, I am filled with conflicting feelings regarding the completion of this decade and myself at large. While I am pleased with the fact I have undergone more growth than I probably even realize, I still can't shake these feelings of self-loathing. I am better than who I once was, but I am not who or where I want to be.
I entered the 2010s as a scared kid who knew nothing but wasn't strong enough to ask for help. I floundered at the beginning of the decade. I had no idea how to get where I wanted to be, so I just gave up. I stayed up late wasting time on Stickam, stopped exercising, and slept all day. I couldn't realize that *I* was the reason I was stuck in my situation, not the economy, not my past, not anything else. Eventually, I got it together, but my path to where I am now was more bumpy and circuitous than I had anticipated (then again, I was an unrealistic idealist who did not anticipate any adversity, so I got what I got).
Around 2011 and 2012, I almost gave up teaching. I'm glad I didn't, because 1) I'm pretty darn good at it, and 2) I have no idea what I would have done. I'd like to think I could've been a professional wrestler, but I don't know if I would have had the fortitude to have seen that through. I spent the decade in some pretty tough situations, from an alternative school to a public school where I was dead man walking as soon as I was hired because it was a one year position to the most unique school I have ever been a part of, I can't say I would have selected this path for myself, but it was the path I was meant to travel. The students and staff I have encountered have empowered me to sharpen my teaching philosophy and methods and have granted me greater clarity in terms of what I want to accomplish in the 2020s and beyond.
There was a whole lot of loss this decade. I lost two grandparents. I lost someone who was like another uncle to me. I fell in love twice, and I lost them both (and to be honest, I still haven't fallen out of love with one). The friends I had for the entirety of the 1990s and 2000s have, for all intents and purposes, left me behind. I talk to one semi-regularly and harbor no animosity toward another, but our paths diverged, and they decided there was no place on their path to build a bridge back to me. It is daunting to know that the losses I have incurred this decade will only continue for the rest of my life, but I try not to think of it so much.
I have gained plenty this decade as well. I ran two marathons. I completed my master's degree. I am nearing culmination of a doctorate. I connected with members of bands who wrote songs that changed my life. I have created meaningful, sustainable friendships at every stop along the way. I became an uncle. I found my voice and my strength. I learned how to accept and be refined by my failures and to not ignore my limitations. Ultimately, I became the person I was always capable of becoming. I exit the decade as someone with greater self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-motivation.
And yet, I still can't escape this feeling that I didn't do enough. I prioritized certain things and certain people, and I may have missed some opportunities along the way. I have gotten better about not comparing myself to others in terms of timelines (as very little in life is linear), but at times I hesitated, and I lost. I don't have the dream house, the dream job, or the dream family. Sometimes I hate myself for it. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. However, I have to remind myself to be content in what I have and continue to do the work I can to make it all happen someday.
I enter the next ten-year window of my life both excited and exhausted. My successes and my failures have taken a lot out of me, certainly from an emotional sense. I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know I will give everything I have to reach my goals. By hook or by crook, I will find a way. I don't know what the future has in terms of how much I will write. Maybe I'll have another big year of writing; maybe I'll stick to 3-5 posts per year. I thank you all for having contributed to this journey, and I encourage you to stick around for what's next.
Oh, and as for my rankings this decade,
1. 2015
2. 2011
3. 2012
4. 2018
5. 2016
6. 2019
7. 2013
8. 2010
9. 2014
10. 2017
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