Behind the Curtain: No Room for Gray

In the last post I touched a little on my manic nature in the areas that on which I place a high level of importance. Nearly a decade ago my friend Jess characterized me as “driven, almost to the point of obsession”. That statement was accurate then and alarmingly accurate now. For maybe the first time, I will humbly attempt to explain that nature as best as I can.

I understand that we live in a world in which the idea of clear-cut, black and white things has become increasingly antiquated. There are so many things for which I do not have the answer. However, when it comes to my own life, goals, and ambitions, my world is entirely black and white. I succeed, or I fail. There is absolutely no middle ground.

When I was younger, I used to take solace in what I deemed the “moral victories”. If I got farther on something than I expected to (yet still failed, mind you), I would take pride in how close I came to succeeding. After a while, those moral victories ceased to have any importance to me. If I set a goal, I fully expect to achieve it. Anything short of that goal is not good enough.

As I have now crossed the threshold of being 30 years old, I have vastly improved on my tendencies to both live in and dwell on the past, but I still struggle in this area in some ways. If someone brings up college, I am quick to remember that I missed out on graduating summa cum laude by .008 grade points. I am quick to remember that I missed out on thousands of dollars in scholarship money by one question on the ACT. For all that I have accomplished and hopefully will continue to accomplish, it is those failures that stick to me.

Perhaps more than any other factor, my manic desire to succeed in the areas that matter to me are driven by desire to avoid the feelings of failure that I have felt too many times in my life to date. I haven’t really had family members or friends call me a failure or tell me that I have disappointed them, so this tendency to be hard on myself is not affected by outside stimuli. I have a very clear picture of what I want my life to be and who I want to become. Some of those pieces are already in place, but for those that are not, I will scratch and claw and work myself to the bone until they happen. Yes, some things are beyond my purview of control, but that doesn’t stop me from maxing out on my effort.

I am so driven because I do not want to wake up in 10 years in the same place that I am now. I do not want to fail myself or others who count on me. Does that mean I beat myself up sometimes? Of course. Does that mean that some of my own feelings of failure occasionally seep into my relationships to the point that I set impossibly high standards for myself? Admittedly yes. But until I can find room for gray in my life, this is how it’s going to be. I will try to be a little easier on myself, but I will always aspire to be more than I currently am.