On Wellness and Motivation

With my 30th birthday less than a month away (!), now is probably a better time than ever to get as much of my life, the story of my first 30 years, out there. It is important to me know and share where I have been and use it as a vehicle to drive me toward where I eventually want to be.

I spent the last two posts talking at moderate length about my resolve. I have to be honest to myself and to anyone who reads my writing and admit that much of my resolve is born out of the fact that I am rarely (if ever) content with myself. I always feel as if I have something to prove, whether to my peers, love interests, family, or myself.

If you know me even remotely or follow me on any sort of social media, you know how important the gym has been to my 20s. I’ve used the gym as a conduit to lose weight (twice), to gain strength and endurance, and to simply feel good about myself. At this point in my fitness journey, I go to the gym 11 times a week for 5 cardio and 6 weightlifting sessions. I would love to say that I always did it for me, but that is not the case.

For the record, I do not mention any individual or experience in this post with the intent of demonizing anyone of putting them down. I just have to give perspective. In 2008, I lost 62 pounds because a girl wrote me a letter telling me all the reasons she would never date me, my appearance being one. I almost literally worked myself to the bone that summer in the hopes it would impress her. It did not. That did not lessen any of what I accomplished, but it let the wind out of my sails a bit.
Growing up, I always had to hear my grandfather talk about how much “tougher” and “stronger” his granddaughters were compared to the grandsons. It stung, but at least I had company in my weakness in my male cousin. A year or two ago, that changed. My cousin changed his diet and workout regimen and drastically changed his body type. When I heard my grandfather mention it once, I thought it was just a conversation piece, but after it was mentioned at least a dozen times in the year that followed, it began to grate on me. Here I was working out regularly, having completed two marathons, and I still felt as though my accomplishments were ignored. I would be lying if I said that the change in my workouts toward building more muscle was not brought on by this.

Over the past year, I have seen my body transform (albeit not at the rate I would prefer). I have found myself with the ability to lift significantly more than I could lift even six months ago. Yet that still does not feel enough. Some days I am pleased with my progress, while other days I view myself as a scrawny twerp in comparison to some of the guys at the gym.

For the longest time, I shied away from free weights because I did not feel “worthy” of being in that section of the gym. I had to get over those fears. As I continue in relentless pursuit of my goals, I have learned two lessons.

Lesson 1: Don’t do it for or because of anyone else.
I lost weight for a girl. I started lifting more because of comments that got under my skin. Those are awful reasons to do anything. It’s not about anyone else. You can work relentlessly to try to impress someone else, but honestly, whether or not they are impressed is out of your control. Don’t place your success or self-worth on the shoulders of someone else. Be happy with yourself. If you’re not happy with where you are, do something about it, but do not do it simply for the attention or affection of another.

Lesson 2: You should only ever compare yourself with the person you were yesterday.
I am still guilty of this one. I see guys at the gym who are absolutely jacked and I get frustrated that I am not there yet. I have to remind myself that my journey didn’t start at the same time as theirs, and my journey does not end at the same time as theirs, either. Self-improvement is not a race. Every little bit counts. Focus only on working to be just a little bit better than you were the previous day. Negative comparisons are toxic. Don’t make them. I know this is easier said than done.

I’m not where I want to be yet (both from a physical and motivational standpoint), but I am moving in the right direction. If you’re struggling with anything I mentioned above, just know you’re not alone. Keep at it. I believe in you.