One aspect of being Jakob Duehr that is a two-edged sword is the constant introspection. My mind is never shut off. I am always trying to figure out what isn’t working and subsequently attempting (admittedly, not always succeeding) to fix it. This summer I have had the opportunity to do a great deal of introspection, and I have to confess that there is a lot I do not like.
I live my life within the confines of timeframes and deadlines. My life feels as if it is a constant race against the clock, that if I do not accomplish this specific thing by this specific time, the clock will run out. As a result, I often feel as if living my life is akin to attempting to dismantle a bomb. If I do not succeed within the timeframe to which I have allotted myself, I fear that everything will blow up in my face and that those things will never happen.
This particular struggle has been stronger this year than ever as I stare down the end of my 20s and prepare to enter my 30s. Put bluntly, I am not where I thought I would be at this point. Perhaps I didn’t view things from a realistic lens, but adulthood has presented greater and more numerous challenges than I was prepared to encounter. I have felt a much stronger sense of urgency this year, as I try to knock out so many things that I felt I should have accomplished by now.
The problem with this line of thinking is that dismantling a bomb, though it must be done within a certain timeframe, takes a great deal of patience. Those who know how to dismantle bombs recognize that certain actions must be done in a specific sequence, and one small mistake can cause the entire situation to quite literally blow up in their face. I would be awful at dismantling bombs. In fact, I believe it would be safe to say that attempting to dismantle a bomb would be the death of me. When I feel that I am up against the wall, I start to press, to push harder and more quickly. I initially act impulsively and without much thought. I spend more thought time kicking myself for acting impulsively and erring than I do in actually thinking out the best course of action to make things happen. My fear of time has been one of the greatest factors in many of my failures.
It didn’t have to be this way, and it doesn’t have to stay this way. Too often I find myself asking “Well if not now, then when?” Urgency in and of itself is not a bad thing. However, there is a time and a place for urgency. A football team that runs the two-minute drill for an entire game is going to be worn out by the time that the actual two-minute drill would be needed. Likewise, I wear myself out so much by pressing about anything and everything, that when it actually *is* crunch time in my life, I don’t have the energy or the clarity of mind to attack it appropriately. I have to remind myself that it is good to be driven, to have dreams, and to wish for more. But things do not always happen within my own arbitrary limits. Even though I have not accomplished everything I thought I would by the age of 30, I still have accomplished many things. 30 does not signal that the game is over. I still have time to accomplish the rest. With greater focus and patience, I will probably have an even greater chance of ascending to the heights to which I aspire. I just cannot continue to get in my own way and be the cause of things blowing up in my face.
No comments:
Post a Comment