A while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is another bonus installment of the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received December 27, 2013
Dear Jakob,
Hey there. I hope that little greeting made you smirk reading it in our voice, because it just made me smirk. I sent you a letter about a year ago warning you about 2013. I’m sad to say that I’m here to do the same for 2014. 2013, put bluntly, was tough. You felt beaten down at nearly every step of the way. Every time things seemed to improve, another new twist was thrown into the game. But you survived, and you headed into 2014 feeling battle tested and ready to succeed.
2014, unfortunately, will be more of the same. In many ways, it was worse than 2013. 2013 was challenging, but 2014 will be frustrating. You’re going to have a hard time understanding why you are not getting out what you are putting in. For the first time in your life, you are going to find it truly challenging to be happy. I’m going to break this up into sections again because that’s always been an easier way for us to look at things.
Professionally
Professionally, things remain challenging. With each passing school year, you feel a greater disconnect to your students. The things they are exposed to are so different than your background and experiences, and you begin to doubt yourself and your abilities to get through to them.
You’re going to want to move on from where you are, but for one reason or another, that doesn’t work out. That frustrates you, and you begin to once again question your abilities. Confidence is going to be tough to maintain this year. Work often seems like a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. By the end of 2014 it improves some, though. Just keep trucking.
If there’s a reason for you to be proud, it’s because of the work you have done in grad school. Even though you start each class by wondering whether or not you can succeed, you actually do succeed. Somewhere around June or so, you really flip the switch, and the quality of your work is better than you have ever done at any level. You’re going to finish 2014 merely days away from graduation. You’re going to get that 4.0 GPA, too!
The Struggles Within
This year is going to challenge you in ways you never thought were possible. You are going to experience both love and pain more strongly and more deeply than you could ever imagine. The pain, if you’re not careful, will cripple you.
There is no limit to what your body can do if your mind is in the right place. At times, your physical condition will reach a level far above anything you previously attained. You are stronger. You are faster. You fly higher. You are able to channel your intensity into something positive.
However, that doesn’t last. Your spirit will get to the point that it feels so crushed that your body eventually follows suit. In July, you will get sicker than you have been since you were a kid. You’ll get strep, pinkeye, and pneumonia all at the same time and won’t get out of bed for two weeks. During that time, the pain you feel externally does not compare at all to the pain you feel inside.
Eventually, you will heal, but your body never quite gets to the point that it was before you got sick. You’re working at it though. I wouldn’t be surprised if you get there in 2015.
The depression is going to come, and it’s going to be scary. There will come a point in time where nothing in your life is going the way that you would like (even grad school at that point will anxiety-laden, as you try to figure out your final project). Work will be rough. Things with your “permacrush” will break your heart. Most of the people closest to you will not be around. For the first time in your life, you will lose hope. You are going to want to give up, and your countenance will appear chronically troubled. People are going to be worried about you. Don’t try to do it on your own. Let them in. They may not say the things you want to hear, but they are there because they care.
It will take a while, but you will break out of all of that. I can’t say it will be easy, but things do begin to turn around ever so slightly. Though they may not be exactly as you would like for them to be, you once again have the hope that they will eventually get there.
Relationships (Platonic and Romantic)
You’re going to make a concerted effort to be a more thoughtful person in 2014. You actually do an amazing job to reach this end. You take your blog and use it to do probably the coolest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Through a series of open letters, you let everyone who has ever been close to you know that who they are and what they have done for you mattered. That series will open doors and rekindle friendships that had been dormant for a number of years. It will be a great way to acknowledge a long time friend before his passing. You will miss him, but you find a certain solace in knowing that he died knowing how much he mattered to you.
While your thoughtfulness took a major step forward, your ability to function in romantic situations took a major step back. If you noticed, I wrote this letter so that it would be opened on December 27, 2013. There’s a method to my madness, but you know that already.
In my letter to you last year, I wrote about a woman who would come after Jannelle who would change the game in ways you never imagined. She continues to do that. Here’s the problem. You change, too. I’ll be honest. I couldn’t be more disappointed in the way you regress in that area.
The reason the two of you clicked so well at the beginning was because you connected naturally and didn’t have to force anything. The problems come when you realize how much you want things to work instead of letting them come together in their own way. At the first sign of trouble (this date in 2013), you begin to panic. We both know that a panicked Jakob is pretty much the worst Jakob. You are going to say stupid things. You are going to do stupid things. You are going to do this all in the spirit of trying to make things work, but you are going to spend more time in 2014 attempting to regain the ground you lost than actually moving forward. You are lucky she puts up with you. If you ever want anything to go anywhere, you’re going to need to take a step back and stop trying to do so much.
The year starts out on an extremely disappointing note. You’ve got it set up to see three of your closest friends on New Year’s Day. Of course, the weather decides not to cooperate and your friends have to cancel. You get frustrated with everyone because you would’ve moved heaven and earth to see them that night. You are going to need to realize that just because things don’t always work out, just because people aren’t always around, and just because people don’t say or do things the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they stopped caring about you. You still desperately try to control life, but you can’t.
Your sister moves away this year for good. I know you’re doing everything you can to not think about that right now (and you’ll be able to successfully put that out of your mind until the middle of June or so), but when she goes for good, it’s going to hurt. You’ll feel alone. She is, however, going to be having a baby. You’re going to be an uncle for the first time, so you better get your head on straight so you can be a good role model for your niece.
The Lessons Learned
It might be another tough year, but you’re going to learn a lot. Take these lessons. They will help you.
• Do not post anything to social media within 30 minutes of waking up.
• Get the opinion of someone you trust before you do something stupid.
• Take responsibility for the things that are your fault, but don’t beat yourself up so hard over them.
• Believe in yourself.
• You’re not going to convince her that you guys are meant to be together through your words. Be the man you are. That’s all she’ll need to see. Don’t try to be what you think she needs. Just be you.
• It’s okay to admit you’re hurting. Let others help you.
• Treat people well.
• Do your best to stress less.
• Ride things out. You’ll use this as your theme for 2014, but you’ll have a hard time taking it to heart. Tough times will come. Don’t crumble. Ride it out.
I don’t know where 2015 is going to take us, but the pieces are in place to finally get all the things you’ve been waiting for. Be patient, be hardworking, and be hopeful. I can’t promise that things will be perfect, but we have to push forward until we get to where we want to be.
All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2014 Version
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