2014 in Review

In life, there are a few constants: death, taxes, disappointment, and my “Year in Review” post. This is the 11th (!) edition of this post, and it remains one of my favorite posts that I do all year. It’s important to reflect on the year that was, to determine what went right and identify areas for growth and improvement. Put simply, 2014 was not what I hoped it would be. As usual, there will be a month-by-month rundown as well as some closing thoughts.

January: I could tell the year was going to be frustrating because it got off to an extremely frustrating start. I was supposed to meet three of my closest friends for dinner that night. These days, we don’t get the opportunity to see one another very much, as geography and careers have created some separation. I finally got three of the four guys on board for dinner, but those plans were derailed by a blizzard. The winter was probably the most depressing one that I can remember, and it took a toll. Fortunately, the Seahawks progressed through the playoffs, which served as a necessary distraction.

February: I’ve stated in many of these that February has been a comparatively uneventful month for me. February 2014 broke from the status quo in that regard. The month began with my Seahawks winning their first ever Super Bowl championship, a moment that I will never forget. The realization of something that I had awaited for a long time was a very special moment and had me convinced that 2014 would be the year that I finally got all the things for which I had been waiting. (SPOILERS: That didn’t happen.) I also had a pleasant Valentine’s Day and brought the object of my affection to tears by a sweet video that I made for her. The month also included a brief trip to Grand Rapids and a pilgrimage to Qdoba.

March: I started off the month by learning a very valuable lesson: Do not post anything to social media until you are fully awake. I went on an ill-conceived Facebook rant and hurt the feelings of someone who mattered (and still matters) a lot to me. I learned from that. March was a decent month, full of Shamrock Shakes, Disney Channel’s “The Luck of the Irish”, and the first time I was ever someone’s “Man Crush Monday” on Instagram.

April: This is usually a decent- to good- month for me, as my birthday falls during April. I had a good birthday. It’s always nice to hear from friends and others that you lose track of during the year. It was during April that I conceived the idea for the “You are the Story I Tell” series. I knew that it was time to let the people I care about know that they are, indeed, cared about.

May: The school year began to wrap up, and I had reinforcements in the form of Mrs. Balfour. I finally took the idea for the open letter blog series and made it happen. The correspondences I had that month as a result of that series will always be special to me. In some cases, whole friendships were resurrected. During this month, I finally felt like grad school was something I could conquer, and at long last I gained the confidence I needed to see it through.

June: The year had been progressing decently at this point, but it still felt like things were either going to fall into place or fall apart. June was a month spent teetering on that edge. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that my sister was soon moving and that she wouldn’t be around anymore. I couldn’t put those thoughts away. It was about to be time to deal.

July: As I said in June, I knew that things were either going to fall into place or fall apart. Unfortunately for me, they fell apart. I began the month by helping my sister and brother in law move into their new place in North Carolina. That trip was a comedy of errors, as the furniture as well as their personal belongings did not arrive when they were supposed to arrive. I also was planning on stopping in Pittsburgh on the way home to Chicago. Because of poor timing, poor communication, or just me being me, that didn’t work out (and to be fair to her, it shouldn’t have happened then). To say I was crushed would be an understatement. Fortunately I did have a good day with friends in South Carolina, but that was like trying to put a band-aid on a bullet wound. Later in the month, I went to Warped Tour for the first time. I enjoyed seeing my favorite bands, but I also contracted a sickness that would leave me in bed for two weeks and recovering for much longer than that. I had pinkeye, strep, and pneumonia simultaneously. My spirit was broken, and it felt as though my body was following suit.

August: The school year started. I failed to accomplish one of my primary goals of the year by not obtaining a teaching position in a non-alternative school setting. I came very close with one interview, but ultimately it was not meant to be (a long story that does not bear mentioning in this blog). While things began to turn around a bit in one area of my life, the others were not going well. I also hit some sort of pothole that caused a ridiculous amount of damage to my car. Thanks a lot, Western Avenue.

September: I spent the month of September wishing and hoping that things would get better, but the things I wanted continued to slip through my grasp. Work felt more like a nightmare than even a job, and I couldn’t figure out a way to make it better. I can’t recall a single exciting thing that I did this month. The NFL returned, which was probably the lone bright spot.

October: The losses that continued to pile upon themselves created a rut of which it became increasingly difficult to pull myself from. I spent the month perpetually on the verge of a meltdown. Work, grad school anxiety (stemming from a large final project), and my continued mistakes with the young lady I was pursuing all contributed to my perpetually sad countenance. There are times I was fortunate that I did not do any harm to myself, because I was at a point that I really did not care anymore. Work compounded these feelings through a traumatic experience that does not need to be detailed. Even going to the Seahawks/Rams game in St. Louis was far from enjoyable as a result of all the mishaps and missteps that happened along the way.

November: They say that things get worse before they get better. If October was the bad, then November was the worse. For the first time that I could remember, I began to lose hope. If you know anything about me, you know that I thrive on hope even in situations where hope does not exist. I was hurting, and I was finally starting to be able to admit to myself that I was hurting. Thanksgiving with my cousin was a plus, but the month ended with some crushing defeat and, once again, my inability to keep my mouth shut got me into trouble.

December: If the rest of the year went as well as the last two weeks of the month did, this year would not have been so bad. We wrapped up the first semester at work, and by the time we left for break, I could tell that things were getting better. They were not necessarily “good”, but they were better. My sister, brother-in-law, and the bun in my sister’s oven (my soon to be born niece, Hadley) came for Christmas, and though the holidays were a bit different than usual, they were not as stressful as they had been in years past. I was able to see two of my closest friends for breakfast, and was as if we had only gone days without seeing one another, not years. An unexpected phone call in the middle of the month particularly lifted my spirit, and although I continue to struggle with staying out of my own way, I am hopeful that In 2015 I can return to how I was in 2013.

2014…for lack of a better term, it sucked. I could see the things I wanted right in front of me – the times with friends (New Year’s 2014), the job of my dreams, and the woman of my dreams – but I didn’t have the ability to put all the pieces together. Like my dad is fond of saying, it’s like I choose to play with puzzles in the dark.

The man I was in 2014 was a lot different from the one I was in 2013. I’m a lot more serious than I used to be. Crushing defeats and insurmountable stress will do that to you. Even so, that seriousness has helped me grow as an educator. I became more thoughtful and better at expressing appreciation. That’s a part of me I can be proud of.

And yet, I can’t help but exit 2014 feeling disappointed in myself. Last year, despite all the difficulties, I was proud to say that I did not regress as a person. I can’t say that this year. The mistakes I’ve made are ones I would’ve made 10-15 years ago. I shouldn’t be making them anymore, especially not when it matters as much as it does to me. I have to dig deep and remind myself that I left this Jakob behind long ago. If I am ever going to get to where I want to be, it can’t be with this Jakob.

Despite all the frustration and disappointment that 2014 brought me, I can’t help but feel like I am right on the precipice of where I want to be. I have the pieces. I am ready to put them together. I have a lot of big plans and big ideas for 2015, and I’m excited to share them with you. Let’s get this year out of here, and let’s make 2015 epic!