It is Valentine’s Day once again, and while I am single, I am not bitter. 2013 was not particularly great to me in the love department, but that’s alright. I actually learned a lot about love and myself in the past year. I am happy to share these lessons with you.
This is the first year in the last five years that I am not actively or passively pursuing a certain someone. Surprisingly, I am not upset about it. For the longest time, I racked my brain about her. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why we had so many near-misses only to wind up back at the start. I couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t just choose me. It really bothered me. But after having a dream about her, I finally got some clarity, and the past five years of my life began to make sense. I ultimately came to the realization that her choice was made long before we ever met, and there was nothing I could personally do to change it. It wasn’t easy, but I had to let that go.
Other than the specific lessons I learned about that past complicated relationship, I’ve learned a lot about relationships and love in general. First, there is not one foolproof method that is going to work with everyone. How I treated Jannelle isn’t how I should treat Shannon, and something that Jessica may have liked Stacie may have hated (using old interests’ names as hypotheticals here). You have to adjust to your partner or potential partner. And that’s not something that is typically going to happen right away. That takes time and a concerted effort. Sure, there are some people you are going to click with right away. But even in that case, things are not going to be perfect. You have to give as much (if not more) than you take.
Perhaps the most important lesson I have learned about love is one that I wish I would have learned 10-15 years ago. It’s as simple as three words: Ride it out. Full disclosure: I began talking to someone about four months ago. While things started off nearly as perfectly as possible, things got difficult. Distance among other factors makes the current situation far from ideal. There are times where she is more distant to me than I would like. This has happened to me many times in the past. I’ll admit it… when this happens, traditionally I chronically overcompensate. I push harder than I should because of this paralyzing fear of things slipping away. However, this overcompensation seldom works; if anything, it serves to drive a deeper wedge between her and me.
But part of living is learning, and part of growing up is growing wiser. I finally came to the realization: ride it out. Not every action requires my equal, opposite, and immediate reaction. Sometimes there are reasons for distance that have absolutely nothing to do with me. By pushing too hard, I do not fix the problem. Sometimes I am best served to wait and see. This, too, shall pass.
Finally, I’ve learned the importance of consistency. Whether things are going perfectly or not particularly great, don’t treat it any differently. Always give your significant other your best. It’s easy to change course when things aren’t going well. It’s also easy to just coast when things are firing on all cylinders. Whether you talked all day or she ignored your texts, if you normally end the day with a text that says “Like you lots” and a kissing Emoji, end the day with that no matter what. Your significant other deserves nothing less than your best at all times. Obviously, no one is perfect, but there is no substitute for your best effort.
So yes, I am spending another Valentine’s Day single, but that’s okay. It won’t be this way forever. With each passing day, I’m learning how to be a better man, and my future wife will be better for it.
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