It is the holiday season, and while I enjoy listening to my preferred genre of pop punk all year round, I am not a total Scrooge. I do like some Christmas music. While I do not like to listen to it for months upon end, a week or two’s worth in December is plenty tolerable. That said, there are a handful of Christmas songs that absolutely NEED to be retired, or take an “indefinite hiatus” at the least. These songs cause reactions ranging from cringing to wanting to take a sledgehammer to any listening device within swinging range. Without further ado, here are the five songs I want retired immediately.
5. Silver Bells. To be honest, I had no issues with this song until recently, and I probably need to give you some background for this one. For whatever reason, it has been a lifelong goal for my sister to learn the art of harmonization. She and my mom practice harmonizing with one another on a fairly regular basis, and for some inexplicable reason they have chosen Silver Bells as their harmonization practice song. While in general I have no issues with their singing melodies, I can not say the same for their harmonies. I do not like it. Buttons likes it even less. This song needs to go.
4. Frosty the Snowman. In general, I prefer my Christmas songs to be cheerful in nature. There is one notable exception to this. I prefer the drearier lyrics to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I have no real reason why; I just do. A song about a magical snowman and his subsequent demise does not work for me. I remember watching the animated Frosty feature as a four year old and being horrified that Frosty melted away. I wholeheartedly disapprove of this song.
3. Here Comes Santa Claus. For the most part, I do not like Santa-related songs. I have no issue with the idea of Santa or feel like he is stealing Baby Jesus’ thunder, but I do have an issue with the inanity of most Santa-centric songs. This song was, is, and will always be awful. To make matters worse, Billy Idol has even recorded his own version. That right there should be enough of an example of how awful this song is.
2. Wonderful Christmastime. I respect the accomplishments of The Beatles. I believe Yesterday and Here Comes the Sun are among the finest songs of any era. This song, however, was a major miss for Paul McCartney. If this song had been written by almost anyone else, it would not have gotten the continued airplay that it has over the past thirty-plus years. When Paul himself admits it was not one of his best efforts, the song should be put away for a while.
1. The Christmas Shoes. If you have known me for years, you probably expected this to be tops on my list. I loathe this song. If you wanted to know how to write a horrible song, make tons of money off it, and severely agitate me in the process, you would need to look no further than this song. There are no redeeming qualities to this song whatsoever. It is easily the most depressing Christmas song I have ever heard. It makes Frosty the Snowman sound like Joy to the World (the Christmas song, not the Three Dog Night hit) in comparison. I know some people have been touched by this song. I get that. But for every person who is touched when hearing this song, there are at least ten people who are awkwardly uncomfortable to the point they want to crawl out of their own skin or forcibly remove their eardrums with a screwdriver. How this song warranted making TWO awful movies based on it is beyond me. I hate this song. I will always hate this song, and it needs to disappear from the earth. It was awful in 2000. It is still awful in 2011.
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