So the world (or at least the United States) has been abuzz with this “Royal Wedding” stuff (and likely making some combination of Washington, Franklin, and Jefferson turn over in their graves). Rest assured, loyal reader(s). I was not one of them! It frankly seemed like a waste of time and sleep to get up in the middle of the night to watch some ridiculously extravagant event for two people who have absolutely no effect on my life. It did get me thinking of ways I could outdo this “Royal Wedding” when it’s Ol’ JD’s turn to get hitched. Granted, any woman who would consent to any of these ideas either has a great sense of humor or is certifiably insane, so I won’t hold my breath. Given some of the women I have aligned myself with in the past, it’s not totally out of the question. Here are five ideas for the GREATEST WEDDING EVER~!
1. The Foil Wedding: Too many people undeservedly made a big deal out of the Royal Wedding. A “Foil Wedding” would deservedly be a huge event. I’m sure if you’re reading this, you’re wondering what in the world a Foil Wedding is. It is exactly what it sounds like. Everything is made out of aluminum foil, from the attire of the wedding participants (other than undergarments) to the displays to life-sized statues of the bride and groom. The Foil Wedding is the latest breakthrough in wedding technology and is sure to be the preferred marriage ceremony of the 21st Century!
2. Pyrotechnic Displays: Perhaps it’s the WWE fan in me coming through, but I absolutely love the idea of coming down the aisle while Europe’s “The Final Countdown” plays and glorious fireworks rain from the sky. Of course, this would mean the wedding would have to be outdoors, but that does not bother me. We’re eschewing tradition as it is. I’m thinking an amazing display after our first kiss as a married couple would be in order too.
3. Motorcycle Entrances for the Attendants: While I have absolutely no desire to hop on a chopper myself, I believe that there should be a time for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to shine. Since we’ve already established the idea of an outdoor wedding, I’m thinking that we install a motorcycle ramp for the wedding party to arrive in style. Of course, there might be some pyrotechnics in it for them as well.
4. A Live Performance by The Graduate: Seriously, it’s not an event unless those five guys are involved, and nothing screams epic more than Corey Warning belting out “Surround Yourself” or “Pull Me In” while he, Max, Matt, Jared, and Tim wear those tuxedo t-shirts. This would be during the wedding and not the reception, of course.
5. A Minister-by-Committee Approach: I have two pastors that I absolutely love, Scott Bradley and Doug Harris, and I would be very hard-pressed to pick one over the other. In addition, I realize the future Mrs. D. may have her preferred minister as well. Therefore, I have come up with the revolutionary minister-by-committee approach. The responsibilities for the wedding would be evenly distributed amongst the ministers, however many there may be. If possible, each minister would sign the marriage certificate as well.
Some of you who know me might be surprised at my “progressive” approaches to improving on the traditional wedding. Some of these ideas might not work as well in application as they do in principle, but we shall see. To my future wife (whose name will likely begin with an A, J, R, or S), I look forward to negotiating the terms of this wedding with you. I would settle for at least one of my five ideas being approved. Guess we’ll wait and see.
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