This is part of a ten part series in which I “go to war” against a thing or group. Some of these posts are to be taken seriously; others are not. It is up to you, the reader, to differentiate between the two.
No, I am not going to war with the sixth day of the week. I happen to like Fridays (both the day and the restaurant) very much. I am actually going to war against the ridiculous song by Rebecca Black that has become an internet sensation. No, I am not going to embed it or link to it, because that would give the song more exposure than I think it deserves. Watch it for yourself if you are curious. Actually, don’t. I will give you everything you need to know right here.
Let me start out by saying that the song itself is actually somewhat catchy, but that the lyrics are some of the inanest that I have ever heard. Also, let me go on the record by saying that this is not a personal attack on Ms. Black. She is simply a girl trying to live out her dream as a singer. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s time for war.
The video itself opens with some Disney Channel-esque graphics as we see a virtual display of Rebecca’s calendar quickly advancing to Friday. We then see perhaps the most unrealistic looking alarm clock possible. Looks like it’s time for the song to start!
It is now 7 AM and with 7 AM comes the most autotuned voice this side of T-Pain. It’s not one of those cool sounding autotunes either. It is downright robotic. At first listen, I hoped that the robotic sound was to illustrate the monotony of the daily grind (which I would have actually found to be a good touch), but as things pick up we quickly realize that BeccaBot is here to stay for the duration of the song.
While everyone else in the Black family seems to be in a rush to get to where they need to be (and at this point I look for T-Black in the background, but alas she is absent), BeccaBot is taking her sweet time. In addition to being a robot, she also apparently possesses the power of teleportation. She is now at the bus stop. It is at this point the inanity really starts to pick up. Her friends, who are no older than 13, pull up to the bus stop. I have a few problems with this. First of all, they are junior high students. In no state is it legal for junior high students to drive. Secondly, her friend is driving a very nice looking convertible. Even the snobbiest of snob parents would not entrust such an expensive vehicle to someone who can barely see above the steering wheel. Thirdly, her friends have decided to go to the bus stop to pick her up. If they were such good friends, why wouldn’t they just pick her up at her house? Why would they make her walk? What a great group of kids.
At this point, BeccaBot laments one of the great dilemmas of life: Which seat should she take? Based on the fact that there is only ONE available seat, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that she should probably take that one and stop wasting everyone’s time. Now that she has made that excruciatingly painful decision, she is now ready to hit the chorus. All you need to know is that the girl really LOVES Friday. She is so caught up in the excitement that she loses her ability to form coherent sentences and instead just shouts out words like “Partying” and “Fun” repeatedly to express her great anticipation for the weekend.
We now start the second verse approximately 12 hours into the future, as BeccaBot is STILL in this vehicle (road trip, anybody?) and about to hit the JUNIOR HIGH PARTY SCENE~! She is breaking all sorts of safety laws and being a poor role model by standing up in a moving vehicle. What you really need to know about this verse is that both BeccaBot and everyone else “got this.” What “this” is, I do not know. But congratulations, we all possess “this”! She is still lamenting her seat decision despite the fact she is IN THE CAR and presumably has been for quite some time.
The chorus has hit for a second time and we have mercifully reached the party. The other partygoers seem to be particularly enthused about the fact that it is, indeed, Friday. There are a group of kids whose only purpose is to provide a superfluous “Yeah!” as BeccaBot drones the chorus.
If you’re still reading to this point and haven’t extracted your eyelids with a nail filer yet, have I got a treat for you! We have reached my favorite point of the song: the EPIC BRIDGE~! It says, and I quote (and also with the return of virtual visual calendar, which not only shows the day but also these groundbreaking lyrics): Yesterday was Thursday. Today it is Friday. We we we so excited. We so excited. We gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards. I have nothing to add to this other than to say if I ever change educational paths and decide to become a first grade teacher, I know exactly how I am going to teach the days of the week to my students.
How can we follow this up? With a GUEST RAPPER~! He has so much street cred that I can’t find his name anywhere. All I know is he looks like the lovechild of Usher and Gary Sheffield. He is spitting mad flow about switching lanes and passing up school buses. After about a minute more of BeccaBot eloquently extolling the virtues of Friday, the song is mercifully over.
So many things about this blow my mind. I can’t believe that anyone thought it was a good idea to write this song. I can’t believe that someone thought it was a good idea to make a music video and put the most ridiculous lyrics of the entire song (and that’s saying a lot) on the screen. I can’t believe that Rebecca Black herself thought this song would actually help her garner a credible career. It drives me crazy that this song might potentially be listened to more times than every song by The Graduate combined. And lastly, it kills me that we live in a society where we hand celebrity to the inane. This song is an example of a bigger problem. In part four of this series, I go to war with undeserved celebrity. Stay tuned.
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