It's Time For War, Pt. 1: Jakob vs. Winter

This is part of a ten part series in which I “go to war” against a thing or group. Some of these posts are to be taken seriously; others are not. It is up to you, the reader, to differentiate between the two.

Seriously. Your time is up. I’ll give you your props. You have put up quite the fight this year with your “blizzards”, your “winter weather advisories”, and your “thundersnow.” That last one was quite a nice touch. You are nothing if not persistent.

Winter, I’m not going to mince words. I hate you. I like to be able to look outside and see grass. I’m not even one of those landscaping snobs who will complain about the grass not being a perfect shade of green. I just want to be able to see it. I don’t like your white mounds that grow over the winter months like the bulbous gut of an alcoholic (or Cheetos fanatic, take your pick). I don’t like that these white mounds decided to extend past the grass and sidewalks and invade my parking lot at the gym. Parking spots are already sparse due to half the population of Tinley Park holding a membership at Cardinal Fitness. Your territorial nature did not help matters one bit.

Let’s get past the snow. I understand snow is part of the season. However, there was no good reason to deprive us of a 60 degree day for three months. THREE MONTHS!!! A quarter of the year was consecutively spent in temperatures ranging from tolerable to ridiculous. I’m going to let you know some things about me. I don’t like wearing a coat. I don’t like having to put the heat on in my car, and I prefer to drive with the windows down. You are cramping my style, and you are not appreciated.

I thought we were done with each other for the foreseeable future. That 70 degree day got me excited. I even got to *gasp* WEAR SHORTS~! to the gym – for a day. Then life got back to being as chilly as most of the girls I have attempted to date. If you think I appreciated that, you’d be wrong.

If you think you are going to win this war, you are sorely mistaken. My good friend Vernal Equinox has made his arrival, which means your days are numbered. Meteorologically speaking, it means you’re gone. Oh, I know you’ll be back for another round in 7-8 months. I’ll be ready. Just get of out my life now.