Backwards

"Forward motion is harder than it sounds... Every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again."

-Relient K

Last Friday I had the pleasure of once again seeing my favorite band (The Graduate) in concert. Unlike last concert, I had to spend nearly three hours traveling to get there. Instead of the random Illinois ski lodge where we went for the last show, this was on the campus of Millikin University in Decatur. Once I got past the pervasive stench of soy, I really enjoyed myself, and it really was the show of a lifetime. Those guys ALWAYS bring it. However, that is not what this post is about.

As I was standing there surrounded by college kids, I thought about how awesome of a 19 year old I act these days. There’s only one problem: I am merely days from my 24th birthday. I came to the startling conclusion that I have more or less lived the last five years backwards.

Let’s rewind to 2006. Going into my 19th birthday, I probably acted more like a 24 or 25 year old. I was a very serious person. I was extremely diligent in my studies. I went to bed early and got up early. I hardly watched any television. I dressed professionally. Even the music I listened to was (mostly) different. I had a good perspective on life (that was largely grounded due to the loss of my friend Katie). The only thing I really did not have going for me was any sort of effort to maintain nutrition and exercise.

Oddly enough, when I decided to get my physical well-being order, the other things started to slip. Unlike the change in my physical appearance, which in hindsight was very rapid, my maturity regression happened over the course of time. After I completed student teaching, I was devoid of a mandatory daily grind for the first time in my life. I would be lying if I said that wasn’t one of the worst things that happened to me in my life. Life becomes much less enjoyable when there is no purpose, and substituting personal needs in place of true purpose always fails.

So, in the course of five years I transitioned from the early to bed/early to rise, Hollister wearing, serious bookworm to a big goof who watches all sorts of television, stays up much too late, lacks a sense of urgency, and dresses like he’s in a rock band. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a self-loathing piece. A great number of the changes I have made in myself I actually like very much. I cannot and should not be who I was five years ago. However, the current version of Jakob Duehr isn’t exactly cutting it, either. For someone who preaches balance and progress as much as I have over time, I have set a very poor example. Don’t worry… I’ll figure it out.