Six Degrees

DISCLAIMER: This, quite honestly, may be one of the most personal blog entries I have ever written. I make no apologies for it.

I have been thinking a lot about my life the last month or so, as things have just been absolutely crazy around these parts. I decided that now is the appropriate time to share some of these topics that have occupied my thoughts. The more I thought about the topics, the more I realized that they flow nicely one into another.


1. I spend a lot of time wondering what certain people who used to be a big part of my life would think of me now.

If you are reading this, you know by now that I march to my own beat and have a general disregard for what others think or say about me. Even if I was at my best, I still cannot affect 100% of others’ opinions of me. That said, I do care to a degree what my immediate family thinks, as well as select others. There are also a few individuals who have shaped my life but for one reason or another I longer hear from much (if at all). One is my former teacher, Mr. Clifton. Another is my old youth pastor, Scott Bradley. The last is my late friend Katie. Every so often I think about them and wonder what they would think of me now. Would they be proud of me? Have I turned out how they expected me to turn out? In Katie’s case, would we still be close friends? The more I thought about those questions, the more I was troubled by the realization I could not definitively give myself the answer that I desired. The last group of people whose opinions I truly value are my core group of friends, which brings me to my next thought.

2. I miss my core group of friends.

I could end this thought at that and it would explain things. I have been blessed to have the same group of friends by my side throughout the years. I got to see them every day at school for nine years, a few days a week (or more) during high school, and sporadically during college. For the first time, it’s really hit me that we’re not all on the same paths. We are scattered throughout the country doing various things. I have not even seen Rob or Rex in person this calendar year and can count on one hand the times I’ve seen Dan and Merrill combined. I love the friends I’ve made over the past few years from a variety of places, but a lot of them aren’t people I can tangibly see or hang out with. My core group of friends is largely responsible for some of my finest memories and greatest periods of my life. Speaking of great periods of my life…

3. I miss being at Richards.

It is crazy for me to think that two weeks will mark the two year anniversary of the completion of my student teaching experience. It was one of the greatest times of my life. I was physically on top of the world after losing 60 pounds, and I felt accomplished in clearing the final hurdle of my undergraduate career. There were times that I surprised myself with how well I did, but I fully admit that I made more than my share of mistakes. Part of it can definitely be attributed to the learning curve that student teachers face, but I am not looking to make excuses. I was paired with a highly successful veteran teacher, and I should have listened more than I did. While I unfortunately did not apply all of the lessons he gave me during my student teaching experience, his lessons did not fall on deaf ears. Though I did not always do the right thing, I was able to grow. I am cognizant of my weaknesses as well as my strengths. One of my biggest surprises was how well I was able to connect with the students… this whole “Mr. D.” gimmick…

4. I play a character… or do I?

As I just mentioned above, I have been astonished at my ability to relate to students. I’ve also been surprised with how I acted with them. To be honest, when I started student teaching, I was scared to death of the kids. It showed in my first couple days of teaching. Eventually, I got comfortable with them, and I started to become more outgoing with them. In fact, I became more outgoing than I was used to being in my normal life. I felt like in addition to teaching I was playing a character. Over time my confidence in teaching combined with being at my physical peak bred more confidence in my social life. The social counterpart to the “Mr. D.” character became the “Greatest Man That Ever Lived”, which became my Stickam ID as well as my Facebook URL. The interesting thing about both characters is that they act in great contrast to who I have been, or at least in contrast to my self-image. I began to feel my normal reactions to start to become more like “Mr. D.” and less like Jakob, which caused me to wonder: was I really playing a character, or was I changing as a person? The answer was yes to both. Each have their perks, and each have their downfalls.

5. I have reaped what I have sown.

I am the product of the choices I have made. Many of those choices I take a measure of pride in. Others, I do not. In high school, many of the problems I faced were the direct result of the fact that I was an awkward dork who at times had unconventional methods and subpar social skills. There are people from each step of my life that do not like me, and many have good reason to do so. I am prone to missteps. I have exhibited poor judgment in my romantic pursuits. I do not deny this. I have not always been the person I should have been. I have not always been the person I have wanted to be. This cannot be blamed on anyone else but me. Sure, I have been wronged, but the only chronic wrong is me holding on to wrongs. To go back to my first point, thanks to a lot of these things, I truly don’t know if Katie and the others would be proud of me. I don’t know if my family or close group of friends are, either.

6. So where do I go from here?

The beauty of my life and most of our lives is that our issues are not permanent. There are aspects of each and every one of our lives that we do not necessarily like. These can be fixed. I know I need act better, present myself better, and live my live in a productive and appropriate manner. I’m working at it. I’ve initiated my own “Getting Good at Being Good Initiative”. So far, I can see some changes. I'm better at my job. In my social life, I am much more patient with others, am less prone to blowing up, and have made fewer bad decisions. It is always a good decision to live at peace with everyone. I know I am not perfect. I am still prone to missteps and temptation. That will probably never go away, but I am working towards a goal. To those who know me, whether it has been for 10 days or 10 years, I have one request of you. Please do not judge me based on who I was, for good or for bad. Evaluate me on who I am and who I am in the process of becoming.