There have been times where I've started something and was a little behind the gun, but I had enough time and ability to compensate and end up exactly where I wanted to be. Never in my life before this had I taken part in anything where I felt the rules of the game kept on changing the closer I got to making progress.
Today was the hardest thing I've ever done. How do you temporarily remove one of your best friends from your life? There's going to be a big empty void, and I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons these days. It's what I had to do, though. The two things of life I am concerned most about are balance and progress. Our friendship hasn't been progressing, and I started to see signs of it regressing.
The friendship started unorthodoxly beautiful and continued in that way for eighteen months. I had never had a friend that long without so much as one argument. It was amazing and wonderful. It was the source of immense happiness. Then things started going downhill even before I came out with my newfound feelings. I felt as though I had gone from having open arms to having both arms tied behind my back. There's only so much you can do. To not be able to make phone calls... to not seeing each other except once in a blue moon... to not being able to use the word love... I felt like the thing that was so beautiful and amazing to me was withering away before my very eyes like a flower after the first frost.
For somebody who didn't take any risks for 20 years, I've been making up for all the lost time of playing it safe. I think I've taken the biggest gamble of my life. For progress in this friendship in the future, I am sacrificing the present. I care about her with all that is within me and will never give up on her, but I can't figure out what she needs. At this point, it's not me.
Maybe it will be realized that I was just some delusional freak who made no contributions to her life. If that's the case, I'll have to live with that. I won't like it, but it will be the bitter pill of bitter pills. However, if things turn out the way my heart tells me and hopes that it will, then someday imminent I will enter into one of the greatest periods of my life. If that's the case, I can suck things up now. The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
I still feel the Quixotic tendencies within me. Right now I'm just too weary to let them out. I just hope unlike the book, my maiden realizes she's something special before my demise.
Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I already went crazy. But right now, I'm doing what I feel I have to, and hopefully time will vindicate me.
Until then, I love you Dulcinea.
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