Jakob Duehr de la Mancha?

It has indeed been a while since I blogged. While there has been much on my mind, very little of it I was compelled to put into writing. However, I think it's time to blog it up.

For starters, everyone who reads this NEEDS to either read Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes or watch "The Man of La Mancha". Classics, I tell you. I say that because I have found some similarities between Don Quixote and myself.

Don Quixote is seen by many as delusional because he views things in a way that nobody else really does. On the surface, he appears to be somewhat crazy, but if you look at things from a different perception, he is correct in a way. Likewise, I don't view things from a normal perspective. I've always done things my own unorthodox way, and a lot of people probably thing I'm some sort of freak. However, if you look at things from my perspective, I'm not always that far off.

Don Quixote's friends liked him, but had to deceive him at times because they had sympathy for him and his delusions. I'm beginning to think that my friends often say things to appease me because they have sympathy for me and know that I think on a one-track mind, and sometimes I fall off track. Heh.

Don Quixote comes across this woman named Aldonza. She is not necessarily the most wholesome sort, and has not had the best past. He does not see her as this but rather as Dulcinea, a beautiful maiden whom Don Quixote absolutely adores. She is rather put off by his admiration for her and repeatedly fends off his love and affection. Quixote is not discouraged by this and continues with his unrequited love. Eventually, he becomes injured and wakes, realizing that all he believed to be real was a delusion.

At this point, Aldonza comes to him. She finally realizes that she is something special. She no longer has to be trapped inside the box of guilt and shame. She finally believes herself to be Dulcinea and can no longer bear to be anything else. This brings Don Quixote back to where he once was, and he dies, not having been able to live with the love of Dulcinea but able to see the transformation made within her.

I have found my own Aldonza. I always have and always will believe her to be Dulcinea, but it is of little matter whether I believe that unless she believes it herself. I have tired endlessly to get her to see that she is something special--and she is extremely special to me. I just don't know when she'll see it.

At this point in my life, I think I've been wounded. It is by no means a mortal wound, but it is a wound that has caused me to think about things and wonder if I really have been delusional all this time. I just hope my Dulcinea will come to remind me who I am while understanding who she is.

A Losing Battle

There have been times where I've started something and was a little behind the gun, but I had enough time and ability to compensate and end up exactly where I wanted to be. Never in my life before this had I taken part in anything where I felt the rules of the game kept on changing the closer I got to making progress.

Today was the hardest thing I've ever done. How do you temporarily remove one of your best friends from your life? There's going to be a big empty void, and I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons these days. It's what I had to do, though. The two things of life I am concerned most about are balance and progress. Our friendship hasn't been progressing, and I started to see signs of it regressing.

The friendship started unorthodoxly beautiful and continued in that way for eighteen months. I had never had a friend that long without so much as one argument. It was amazing and wonderful. It was the source of immense happiness. Then things started going downhill even before I came out with my newfound feelings. I felt as though I had gone from having open arms to having both arms tied behind my back. There's only so much you can do. To not be able to make phone calls... to not seeing each other except once in a blue moon... to not being able to use the word love... I felt like the thing that was so beautiful and amazing to me was withering away before my very eyes like a flower after the first frost.

For somebody who didn't take any risks for 20 years, I've been making up for all the lost time of playing it safe. I think I've taken the biggest gamble of my life. For progress in this friendship in the future, I am sacrificing the present. I care about her with all that is within me and will never give up on her, but I can't figure out what she needs. At this point, it's not me.

Maybe it will be realized that I was just some delusional freak who made no contributions to her life. If that's the case, I'll have to live with that. I won't like it, but it will be the bitter pill of bitter pills. However, if things turn out the way my heart tells me and hopes that it will, then someday imminent I will enter into one of the greatest periods of my life. If that's the case, I can suck things up now. The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

I still feel the Quixotic tendencies within me. Right now I'm just too weary to let them out. I just hope unlike the book, my maiden realizes she's something special before my demise.

Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I already went crazy. But right now, I'm doing what I feel I have to, and hopefully time will vindicate me.

Until then, I love you Dulcinea.

Thanks for slowly destroying me. Expect a bill later.

I should be happy because of how great a time I had at No Mercy last night, but I'm not. Somehow the only thing that could have brought down my spirit did.

For most of my teenage years, I had a bit of an inferiority complex. I was extremely self-conscious, and I felt less than people. Soon after I got to college, I realized "Hey, I'm really not all that bad", and things have gone better for me in that front ever since. Slowly, I am beginning to feel all that I have built up sink down. Have you ever given everything you have for someone, and intentionally or unintentionally, they make you feel not good enough? It blows my mind sometimes.

It blows my mind that anyone would stay in something that hurts them to hurt someone that really cares about them. It is almost incomprehensible to me. To not see your best friend because of fear of consequences, and then telling said best friend to take a wait and see approach to seeing each other, which could last indefinitely, is downright hurtful. And believe me, I'm hurt.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough. I dress a certain way, I talk at a deeper level, I'm not as aesthetically appealing, and I have probably got under skin. I still don't see how any of that should go over the fact that I unconditionally care about this person more than anything else at this point in my life. There's probably nothing I can do, and it is slowly eroding me. I used to think that I had an firm and grounded hope, but I'm really not sure anymore... I'm beginning to think I don't know anything. Thanks.

I don't know how to give up hope

It's really strange. The Cubs lost last night, and I took it a lot better than I thought I was going to. Though they didn't go all the way, I knew that all will be well. And with the Seahawks looking to gain revenge on the Steelers and Randy Orton possibly winning the title tonight (I'm going to No Mercy tonight and super-excited), hope is prevalent and abundant. For whatever reason, I can't lose hope.

I had a very interesting conversation with my mom last night. She said "Most mothers wish for a perfect girls with no faults for their sons. But when you were very young, I felt something different. Something inside me knew that you were going to find a girl with hurts and pains who didn't necessarily always do everything right, but you were going to want to save her. You were going to let her know how special she is, and you would treat her like a princess for the rest of your lives. I still feel that is going to happen with you." Even one day later, that conversation amazes me.

We all live our lives today for the hope of tomorrow. Each day, we wake up hoping today is that tomorrow. Someday it will be. Until then, I can not relinquish hope.

Various Thoughts

For the longest time, I hated taking risks, but now I can't get enough of them. When my old flame Jessica told me she was with child, she asked me what I thought. The Jakob of old would've said some sort of congrats with a moderate amount of sucking up. Heh, not now. I told her how she let me down and wasn't living life with a plan. When she got mad, I didn't care. Fear of what she thought of me didn't matter anymore.

After the whole Jessica fiasco and closure, I decided it was finally time to let Stacie know how I felt about her. She is one of my closest friends, but I think that if it's meant to be, someday there'll be more. I don't know if I've ever felt such a connection with a person. I would do anything for that girl without asking for much in return. I'd rather see her with me because that way I'd know she was in good hands. We'll see. I know it makes her uncomfortable talking about it, but for me, I like to keep it on her mind at all times. We'll see if my interest gets in the way of being best buds. It shouldn't, other than when she tells me about that stupid English teacher of hers. Shouldn't make me jealous, but it does. Haha.

I used to not mess with girls with boyfriends in trying to be honorable, but not anymore. It doesn't help that the last three girls I was interested in had boyfriends who didn't particularly like me. Jessica, Con4t, Stacie, all three of them have had boyfriends who wanted to run their mouths off about me. Stay focused on your relationship and being the best you can be, and you won't have to worry about looking over your shoulders. Though I will say, objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

My tolerance of stupidity and annoyances have lowered and lowered as of late. At work and at school I am finding it difficult to keep my mouth shut. The people in my Latin American History class can vouch for that. At Target, I have to be sure that my sharp tongue doesn't put me in the unemployment line.

So, after reading this, it would probably appear that I am unhappy. Things are not where I'd like them to be, but I am optimistic. All will be well, and if they aren't, I'll find a way to make them well.