Before I start, two brief things to discuss. First, my blog got looked at a billion times today and I didn't even post anything. Strange. Also, I have begun work on an allegorical look at my life. Maybe I'll post some of it here at some point. But that's not what this is about. At one point I promised you loyal readers some philosophical musings, and while this still isn't quite what I had in mind, this is just a taste of what's on my mind.
Lately I have found myself encountering more questions in my search for answers. In looking for solutions to issues hitting our world globally and personally, the only answers I have reached are the realizations that I can't answer the question until I have answered another question.
As of late I have found myself questioning the goodness of mankind. Since we are inherently sinful, is it too much of a stretch for me not to expect any good out of mankind unless there is some sort of reward, tangible or implied, to do good? I have even begun to examine my actions to determine whether I am doing something based on an expected reward. To this date, I am still trying to figure out the answer. As both a Christian and aspiring philosopher, I wonder if those who have made the commitment to living a Christ-centered lifestyle have been cleansed to an extent of these impure motives and act strictly from pure motives. At this point, I am leaning towards one of two conclusions. One is that the Christian lifestyle acts as a greater conscience, but does not eliminate the possibility to act impurely. Or, it could be that those of us who are Christians are not living the life as well as we should be.
I have often wondered why I hold on to the past as much as I do. I realized that we tend to stay with things until something better comes around. Quite honestly, 2005 and 2006 were not as good as 2004; therefore to some degrees I guess I am still living in 2004. I realize that in dwelling in the past I run the risk of missing out on the present, but for some time, there hasn't been anything in the present to miss out on. Maybe soon I'll find a compelling reason not to dwell so much on the past.
Lately, I've been a really strange mood. I haven't been extremely happy or sad, but somewhere in between. I have been consumed with the idea of there being something better out there soon, whether for me or for somebody else. I have listened to five or six different versions of "Bridge over Troubled Waters". Each time I listen to it, I get this sort of knot in my stomach because I feel both parts of the song. I feel this desire to be someone's bridge, yet I long for someone to be there for me to cross over the bridge from 2004 over the troubled waters of 2005 and 2006 to where I want to be.
Maybe I've been feeling strange because for the first time in my life, none of my closest friends are around. The last of us left in January to serve our country, so all I have left is my family. While I love my family to pieces, they have their own lives to live and I can't trouble them to be everything I need, because quite honestly I don't know what I need. I think I valued solitude too much in my life, because now the more I have it, the less I want of it. I just shudder to think of what life would be without my family.
I don't want any of this to come across as me being depressed and seeking something out of you, because I don't, and even if I did want something, at this point I don't know what it is. I'm just disillusioned with a lot of things, and behind the "Game Show Host" smile lies the greatest actor in the world. For I have fooled you all. I have led you to believe, behind cheesy grins and pseudophilosophical ramblings, most of which are even over my own head, that I have it all together. As I stated earlier, my quest for solutions have only left me with more questions, and I don't quite know what to make of myself.
