Some Thoughts

Hello, hello. It's been a while since I made public the thoughts in my mind, so I decided it was expedient to do so today in the form of a blog.

First things first, my 19th birthday is April 4th. Please shower me with love and affection on that day.

Now, on the matter at hand. In thinking about my successes and failures in the dating world, I have come to the realization that at this point in my life there are only between 3-5 people I could see myself being with, 3 for sure (I'm not saying there could be more in the future, but as for now, it's only this many). Unfortunately, one of them lives on the East Coast, one in Southern (though she'd probably say Central) Illinois, and one in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago. To top it off, one (whose personality arguably completes mine best of the three) has a boyfriend whom I do not really know but I dislike anyways. Seems like a buttface, but who knows.

That is where I am at a dilemma. In any of these three situations, what do I do? It is not necessarily the best decision to make a long distance pursuit. What's more, at what cost am I willing to take a risk? Is it worth bringing uncomfortability to a friendship? This brings up the idea of selfishness. Is it selfish for me to act on my own desires if it possibly endangers another? Am I wrong in seeking personal fulfillment instead of enriching others? Do I sit back and make people feel better where most of the time I'm not feeling all that great about myself? These are the questions I must consider as I live each day of my life.

It has been brought to my attention that one of my greatest qualities is making "others feel comfortable". That is a good quality to have, I guess. That quality has sort of allowed me to serve as a buffer zone for some girls. After a rough breakup, they come to me for encouragement and rebuilding, all the while knowing that we are not meant to be, nor do I have a desire for us to be. As I encourage them and build them up, I help them get to a point where they are ready to move on with their lives. Once they do, I am discarded. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, nor am I bitter towards them. I'm just stating how it is. However, will there come a point where my well of comfortability and buffering will run dry?

These are the things I am considering in my life. Ultimately, it boils down to this. Is it alright for us to look out for ourselves, and if it is, what is the point of no return? How can we realize we have gone too far, and how can we get things under control after that.

No matter my choices, remember I still love you, and that your choices are no better or worse than mine. The places we'll go will be great, but we will need to endure the not-so-great places to soar above the rest.