Saturday, December 31, 2022

2022 in Review: A Year of Movement

Much like 2020 and 2021, I write to you in a state of exhaustion; however, while 2020 and 2021's collective exhaustion was a malaise-induced exhaustion, this exhaustion is more akin to what one would feel at the conclusion of a good workout. 2022 has been a year of movement in the literal as well as the metaphoric sense. I would be lying if I said I was not overwhelmed at times (to be honest, I've been overwhelmed more often than not), but I feel proud of where I am now compared to where I was 365 days ago. With that said, here is my 2022 in Review.  

 

Physical Movement Contracting mono on the back end of 2021 really set back my physical and mental health significantly. One of my biggest priorities in 2022 was to regain the ground I had lost in 2021 and do so sustainably. I set nutritional and exercise goals for myself, and other than a mostly expected hiccup at the end of the year, I was able to maintain where I wanted to be. Now that I have regained that which I lost in 2021, I am excited to take my physical health to new heights in 2023! 2022 also brought movement in travel. It was another year in which I had the opportunity to travel to both coasts. In March, I had the privilege of flying out to Long Beach, California, to celebrate my buddy Kenny's wedding. It was a picturesque scene overlooking the ocean and a celebration befitting the bride and groom. For Christmas, I had the opportunity to once again stay with my sister in North Carolina. While the trip was cut short due to madness surrounding Southwest Airlines, it was a great opportunity to get away from things here and surround myself with the things and people who mattered. In between those bookend trips, I was able to attend three concerts, (finally) celebrate my doctoral degree at commencement in Indianapolis in July, and take a mini roadtrip to the eastern end of Michigan to eat at te nearest Fuddruckers. With life being as busy as it has been in 2022, it has been especially important for me to carve out opportunities to recharge and surround myself with the things, people, and experiences which bring me joy and peace.  

 

Metaphorical Movement In 5, 10, 20, or 50 years from now when I look back on 2022, I will probably remember it most as the year things finally started to happen. For close to five years, I was putting in work, but I honestly felt as though I was in a perpetal state of waiting. This year started the same way, but something significant changed around the month of May. Actually, someone changed around that time: Me. For perhaps the first time in my life, I realized how much my mindset mattered. I couldn't necessarily change my surroundings or my opportunities, but I could change my attitude and my approach. I became tired of feeling like I was living the same experiences over and over again, and like Groundhog Day or Christmas Every Day, I finally decided that I was going to get it right. I really had no desire to still be teaching 8th grade English at the start of this school year, but when I realized that was my reality, I made the decision that I was going to do it better than I ever had before, that I was going to be everything the students, teachers, parents, and administration needed me to be. I was perfectly content with following that path the rest of the year when the trajectory of my school year (and quite likely my career and my entire life) was altered in September. I was given the unique opportunity to leave the classroom mid-year and assume a leadership position over the very team and very students I was already teaching. These opportunities don't grow on trees, so regardless of whether I believed myself ready for the position, my time was now. I will be completely transparent in admitting that it has been an immense adjustment. Every time I feel like I'm getting the hang of it, there's new drama or another student is suspended! I know I need to be patient with myself, but as someone who expects to excel quickly, I get frustrated that I don't feel like I'm good at this role yet. 

This year, I was able to purchase my dream car, the Chrysler 300. I know there are less tangible ways to feel as though you've "made it", but for me, it was the tangible culmination of a very long road to get to where I am. About three weeks ago, I was in a car accident while taking a coworker home from work when another vehicle ran a red light at over 50 mph. The car was totaled in the process and my coworker suffered some injuries. As devastated as I was in that moment, I also had this sense of relief knowing how fortunate we were. A difference of milliseconds could have resulted in catastrophic harm. I was also blessed to have car insurance with a company that works quickly, and two days ago I was able to replace my 300 with another brand new 300 -- this time with a sunroof! This experience sort of summed up not only my year but also the last few years of my life. Setbacks are inevitable, but 1) they often could be much worse than they are, and 2) at the end of the day, you wind back up right where you are supposed to be.  

What's Next? This year has brought opportunities and experiences that I never believed were in the cards for me. How do I follow that up? Honestly, I have no clue. At this point, I simply hope to keep the mindset of embracing what is in front of me and keeping an open mind and heart to whatever may pop up. Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Friday, December 31, 2021

2021 in Review

I should probably open with complete transparency and admit (to whoever may be reading this) that my desire to engage in this annual exercise is lower than it has ever been. We have all been through a collective ordeal, and our sense of normalcy and equilibrium have become so askew that we may never quite fully regain our bearings. Personally, the past 365 days have felt about ten times longer than that, and I, quite honestly, am worn out. While the year has (quite literally) taken its toll on my body, mind, and spirit, there were moments of success and fulfillment sprinkled in. And though I lack the desire to chronicle this particular chapter of my life in the present, I recognize the importance of encapsulating the experience for future reflection (and hopefully celebration of making it through to the other side). With all of that out of the way, here is my 2021 in review.  

The End of One Journey Leads to Uncertainty for the Next 

By the end of 2020, the wheels were put into motion for the culmination of my doctoral experience. The dissertation was off to the editor, and other than a couple small capstone assignments, all that was left to do was defend the dissertation. On the first Monday of March, less than 72 hours after I received my second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, I defended my dissertation and unofficially became Dr. Duehr (with the official title coming shortly thereafter). 

When you have embarked on such a long and arduous journey, reaching the top of the mountain feels somewhat surreal and almost terrifying. I was greeted with the cold hard truth that the completion of my degree (outside of the compliments and congratulations from others) really only meant I was changing my title from Mr. to Dr. It didn't get me a raise. it didn't get me a shiny new title or promotion. If anything, it priced me out of teaching positions in a number of districts. Within my field of education, having that degree does not open nearly as many doors as one would assume it would. An administrative license is needed in tandem with the degree. So, a few months later I unexpectedly found myself back in school to take the courses I needed to procure that license. In December, I took the certification tests to become a licensed principal, and as of this writing, I am awaiting the results. I do not currently know the direct route I will be taking next, but I do know I have no desire to run in place any longer (more on that later)

Scratching, Clawing, and Sliding Back Down 

At nearly 35 years old, I am well acquainted with the notion that the good does not last and the bad will eventually pass, but I was thoroughly unprepared for the yo-yo nature of 2021, particularly from a health standpoint. In that regard, my body took more of a beating that it ever has, and I am hopeful that is not a harbinger of things to come. 

At the start of 2021, I weighed in at a number close to what I weighed at my heaviest in 2008. It was humbling to say the least, but I was equipped with both a plan as well as the knowledge of what it would take to reach my goals. I was also blessed with a virtual work schedule very conducive to putting in the necessary time at the gym to produce rapid and substantial change. By the middle of March, I had lost nearly 30 pounds, and my strength was even higher than it was prior to the shutdown in March 2020. 

I continued moving mostly in the right direction in regards to my health and fitness until the middle of July. I had gone to a museum on a Friday and we got caught in the rain. The next day, I was not feeling quite right, which I thought was just the effect of spending a bit too much time in some adverse conditions. However, I woke up that Sunday with a fever. I would keep that fever for the next 11 days, including the day of my virtual commencement for my doctorate (meaning I still have not truly celebrated the completion of that journey). I went to the doctor three times. The first two times they tested me for COVID, and I tested negative. By Day 11, my fever began to subside, but in it place was throat and ear pain so severe I could not even swallow my own saliva. This time I was tested for mono and tested positive. Mono is a beast of an illness for teens, but as I am now in my mid-30s, it completely wrecked me. I lost a significant amount of weight and strength. For about a week, all I could eat was soup. Even worse than the physical discomfort was the mental toll it wreaked on me. 

All of us know how a fever can distort our sense of reality and bring back some things we wish were kept away in the deepest abyss. Imagine that for a week and a half while not being physically strong enough to fight it. Even though I am at the point that I am physically closer to where I was before mono (though that road itself has been arduous), I don't know that I've fully recovered in terms of my confidence, my optimism, or my sense of self. Maybe I'll get there someday, but I'm not there today.

Holding On Too Long 

I have never been the best at knowing when it's my time to walk away (or when that choice is being made for me). It caused me heartache and frustration with the distancing of my closest childhood friends from 2013-2015ish. I made myself look like a fool with Myrna, Kim, or whoever else you want to put there instead. I just cannot escape the feeling that I stayed at my current job for a year more than I should have. Maybe I should have been more vigilant at looking at what I'd need to progress to the next stage of my career before I finished my doctorate. Maybe I should have already been planning an exit strategy sooner. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not trying to knock the place I work or the people I work with and for, but I feel like a fish out of water, and I did not feel that way the previous five years I had been there. Returning to in-person teaching has been simultaneously rewarding and humbling. Many of these kids are frozen in time from a maturity standpoint, and they (perhaps understandably) are about a year and a half delayed from what I am used to. Consequently, a lot of my usual tricks and strategies are falling flat. I don't feel like I'm connecting as well, I am coming to a reckoning regarding some of my teaching strategies that I thought were universally applicable, and more often than at any point in the last 9 years, I feel like I'm just not good at this any longer. That combined with the notion that my team (which for years has been a well-oiled machine despite the variance in personalities, styles, and philosophies) just doesn't click th eway it used to has me feeling almost regretful for reaching this point.

I'm also learning that I'm not for everyone, and I'm definitely not for everyone forever.  Some of that might be due to personal flaws that I should probably work on (like being aloof or closed off), but some of it just has to do with the moving parts aspect of life.  As I grow, I need to be better about cordially moving on when something or someone no longer suits me and not taking it personally when they do the same from me.

The Sun Through the Clouds 

I would not be accurate or fair if I solely depicted the year as a daily uphill climb. There have been moments of good sprinkled in. From seeing one of the few good Seahawks games from sixth row seats with my dad in Indy to seeing Anberlin and Silverstein to spending the holidays with family in North Carolina to making new friends and reconnecting with old friends and coworkers, I have never felt truly alone, even in the midst of these dark and lonely times. I don't know if or when we'll get back to being able to do all the things I did back in 2019, but I have found enjoyment in the things I have had the opportunity to experience.  

Moving Forward 

I am ending this year with about as little optimism as I've ever had. As I was reflecting before sitting down to write, I could only recall two years which ended with similar levels of bleakness: 2002 (which was actually a pretty decent year overall) and 2014. In both cases, the years that followed were years that I would classify as great. I do not wish to place that level of expectation on 2022, but if there is hope to be found, it is that history has shown that it is possible to find light after darkness. I don't know where my life is going to take me next. Honestly, I don't know exactly what I want, who I want to be, or even if I am happy with the person I currently am. I also don't want to waste too much of my life staying stagnant trying to figure it out, so I would love to write you in 365 days with some tangible progress. If you've made it to this point, thank you for caring. Thank you for making it through this year. Even if I'm not always glad to be here in my present reality, I'm glad you are. Let's make it through together.

Saturday, February 27, 2021

Salvaging the Needs of Students in the Era of High-Stakes Testing

As I compose this post (with nearly 13 years of experience in the field and a doctoral degree to my name), I cannot help but think about the ways in which the field of education has changed during my career. While some of these changes (such as the increased prevalence and availability of asynchronous learning) have been beneficial and perhaps overdue, there are other trends I have found quite troubling. As I consider the field of education and the ways in which I hope to leave my mark on the field as a teacher, leader, and doctor of education, I feel as though we are at a crossroads. The decisions we make will shape the next generation of learners and may have unintended consequences not only on the field of education but on the success and wellness of the country as a whole. We run the risk of doing great damage if we are not willing to adapt our philosophies and methods of education. Through my studies and experiences, I offer a number of suggestions for areas of consideration. While these opinions are ultimately my own, I do hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. At the least, it is my sincere hope that my suggestions energize you toward the pursuit of new strategies and solutions within the field of education.  

Losing Our Way 

In the last 25-30 years (and some would perhaps argue a longer period than that), American education lost its way. Priorities became skewed. As education shifted to a focus on high-stakes testing as a means of assessing students and schools, the academic element of education took precedence over all other components of education (Edmonson et al., 2009). Schools began to search for methods of maximizing instructional time, as each minute spent in the classroom was devoted to academic pursuits and the acquisition of learning standards assessed on benchmark examinations. That shift required sacrifice. In order to maximize our students as academic beings, sacrifices had to be made along the way. Ratings (and the residual perks of receiving increased funding and/or the ability to attract new residents to the district) took precedence over the overall health and wellness of our teachers, and more importantly, our students. 

While I believe that many teachers and schools still value their students as people, the current system values students as little more than data points. Schools do not receive high marks when their students invest in their communities, take care of their families, or grow into wonderful young men and women The workforce is already more concerned with what prospective employees can do than who they are as people; at the least, we should be able to spare students that utilitarian indignity while they are children and adolescents. Unfortunately, the high-stakes testing systems do not appear to be going anywhere. That said, we can still do more than we currently are doing. Here are just some of many potential strategies toward reclaiming education, valuing our students, preparing them for life, and putting them in a position to succeed in and out of the classroom.  

Adapting What and How We Teach 

In an age where more information is readily available and easily accessible than ever before, teaching and learning is still at times presented in a manner that assumes such information must be drilled into the brains of students. In my estimation, that is a gross misuse of time and resources. A significant portion of my elementary schooling in the 1990s was spent on rote memorization. The class of 24 students had to stand and speak in unison, reciting facts from flashcards as mindless drones. Those days are (mercifully) behind us. 

Skills and concepts which require cultivation should take precedence over rote memorization of facts and low-order thinking. Wasting time on the reinforcement of facts which could easily be retrieved in five seconds on a search in a web browser enhances the potential for blind spots to skills and concepts that actually matter and require time and practice to develop. Our time and resources would be best spent teaching students how to find the low-level information for themselves and practicing and reinforcing high-order concepts.  

Closing the Culture Gap 

Despite the rise of globalism in the 21st Century, the gap between affluent and high-needs schools continues to widen. High-needs schools, or schools which exist in areas of poverty and possess barriers to success such as teacher shortages, technological deficits, and limited resources (Gorski, 2007), struggle to maintain academic success for their students and struggle to prepare these students for life beyond the classroom. While there are a number of potential strategies to alleviate some of this burden, two clearly defined strategies became quickly evident. 

When schools shifted to a virtual learning model in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, many students were able to adapt and adjust quickly and easily. Students in high-needs schools, however, were faced with challenges unique to them. The shift to the virtual model was particularly difficult due to a) lower technological fluency in comparison to more affluent schools due to limited resources and b) technological deficits at home, including but not limited to poor internet connection. At the federal and state levels, we must work on closing the technological gap, or we run the risk of furthering socioeconomic and racial gaps. We need to examine the availability and usability of technology with an eye toward equity. 

To further close the culture gap, we must examine our curricula through the lens of the students we service. It is difficult (if not nearly impossible) for learning to occur if students are not able to make clear, uncontrived connections between course material and their own lives (Tatum, 2006); therefore, curricular decisions must be made to tactfully and appropriately (Anderson & Sadler, 2009) connect learning to the backgrounds, experiences, and cultures of the communities in which we serve. This may require an overhaul of the yearly reading list. It may require an intense reexamination of the scope in which social studies is taught, but if we want our curriculum and instruction to be authentic and meaningful to our students, we must embrace this arduous task.  

The Continued Need for Modeling 

On more than one occasion, I have been humbled by my students when they expressed I was not clear enough in my behavioral expectations. While I have for the most part learned my lesson in being explicit and clear in my instruction and expectation, I feel as though my past failings were indicative of a greater problem in education. This is an easily fixable problem but nonetheless is a problem which merits addressing. 

Schools have rigid behavioral expectations but often operate under the assumption that students not only know the definitions of these behaviors but also the applications. We take for granted the idea that students have been taught exactly how they should or should not be before they ever walk through our doors. Such an assumption is both dangerous and inequitable. Schools must first educate students on the meanings of prosocial and antisocial behaviors, provide real life and real time modeling of targeted traits and behaviors, and offer practice in them. All of these strategies are covered under Bandura’s (1977) social learning theory. We must be sensitive and cognizant of the idea that it is unfair to discipline a student for what they truly do not know.  

Emphasizing the Whole Student 

It has long been my belief that the educational system insufficiently prepares our students to be people. We have academic learning standards which are regularly assessed through benchmark examinations. We need to do the same for the social, emotional, and behavioral needs of our students. Our kids are more than academic beings, and while some states (such as my home state of Illinois) have social and emotional learning standards, we still do not have good methods in determining if these standards are being met and what interventions might be needed for students who seem to be struggling to grow in these areas. 

One way to emphasize the whole student is through dedicated character education programs, or what is now commonly known in schools as Social and Emotional Learning (SEL). SEL programs provide designated time and space to cultivate the understanding of targeted traits and virtues, and for students in high-needs school settings, the cultivation of traits such as grit and perseverance may go a long way towards the future success of students (Mandelbaum, 2018). We spend ample time preparing our students for success on a test. We need to spend ample time preparing these same students for the tests life may throw at them.  

Practical/Functional Education 

Beyond character education, there needs to be an increased emphasis on what I refer to as “practical” or “functional” education; that is, the development of skills essential to the lives of students when they are out of the classroom. One of the most common questions I receive from my students is “Why do schools not teach us how to file our taxes?”, and while that is one definite area of need, it is far from the only area. Filing job applications, the expectations for success while working in team settings (where all members are held accountable), and exposure to field-specific technology and terminology are a few of the many areas which could be covered in a functional education course. When we fail to prepare, we prepare to fail. At this point, I cannot confidently state that we are adequately preparing our students to succeed.  

Re-examining Homework 

While I know I am a bit more revolutionary than many of my counterparts in this area, I am prepared to take the risk and speak accordingly. In my estimation, there needs to be a serious re-examination of the concept of homework resulting either in its reduction or elimination. The primary job of a young person is to grow and learn, but growth and learning pertains to their role as a person as well as a student. We need to actively work to reduce instilling anxiety in our students. Subsequently, we must also provide clearer paths to self-discovery. While the reinforcement of some skills is necessary and unavoidable, there should be greater selectivity in determining what merits the invasion of a student’s personal time. If our goal is to shape our students into well-rounded people, we need to actually give our students opportunity to be people and not simply be defined by who they are as students.  

Conclusion 

As American educated has shifted to a model which disproportionately values academic performance over all else, we run the risk of losing an entire generation of students if we are not careful. Though the era of high-stakes testing does not appear to be ending any time soon, school leaders must not be so myopic in their vision of what merits success and must recognize that true success comes to those who balance the academic needs of the building with the social, emotional, and behavioral needs of each student. By closing the cultural gap, focusing on the whole student, intentionally modeling expectations, and keeping an eye on the things students will need to know once they leave the classroom, we still may not fix all the existing problems in education, but we will put our students and teachers in better positions for sustainable success.

References 

Anderson, K. A., & Sadler, C. I. (2009). The effects of school-based curricula on reading achievement of African American males in special education. The Journal of Negro Education, (3). 333-346. https://www.jstor.org/stable/25608750?seq=1

Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. General Learning Press.

Edmonson, S., Tatman, R., & Slate, J. R. (2009). Character education: A critical analysis. International Journal of Educational Leadership Preparation, 4(4), 1–20.

Gorski, P. C. (2007). The question of class. The Education Digest, 73(2), 30–33. https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/spring-2007/the-question-of-class

Mandelbaum, T. (2018). The relationship between attachment and grit in lower income adolescents. Journal of Character Education, 14(1), 59–74. https://www.infoagepub.com/jrce-issue.html?i=p5786478f9449c

Tatum, A. W. (2006). Engaging African American males in reading. Educational Leadership, 63(5), 44-49. http://www.ascd.org/portal/site/ascd/menuitem.459dee008f99653fb85516f762108a0c/

Thursday, December 31, 2020

2020 in Review: Weathering the Storm

Let me start by admitting that I didn't see this year coming but I refuse to use the word unprecedented at any point in this post beyond this sentence. Let me also state that my story probably isn't much different than any of yours; it is simply my personal harmonization to the song we collectively have sung for the greater part of the last 366 days. With that in mind, I don't know that I have any new or groundbreaking insights to share, but I do want to share my experience, if only for you to know that someone out there commiserates with you. This commences the 17th(!) annual Year in Review blog post.

Adapting
I fully expected this year to one in which I finally enjoyed the fruits of the labors of 2017, 2018, and 2019. In all honesty, the year started off phenomenally. My students had the highest growth percentages on their standardized tests in the school in December 2019 and were making great strides toward meeting or exceeding those numbers on the state benchmark exam in March. I found a rhythm in my diet and exercise and was physically stronger than I had ever been. I obtained approval for the first three chapters of my dissertation individually as well as collectively as a research proposal. I was set to commence research in the spring and wrap up my doctorate by the end of the summer. I had tickets to see some of my favorite bands for the first time with some of my favorite people. Things were trending upward! Then COVID happened

Were I equipped with the powers of foresight, I would not have taken a personal day at work two days before life shut down, as the rest of that school year became more or less a parade of personal days. Life changed on March 13. I never got to see those students in person again. I got sick myself, and even had the gym been open during that time, I would not have gone. I had to take a hiatus from the completion of my doctorate because I could not collect the research necessary to complete my dissertation. I spent three years meticulously laying a path, and I had to divert from it. In order to survive, we each had to adapt to our changing reality. If you are reading this, then you were successful in doing so, and no matter how difficult this year has been, you should be proud of yourselves for that.

Adjusting
Changing realities required changes in habits, routines, goals, and timelines. in some cases, adjusting meant finding new things to fill the void of activities which were not feasible at that time. I wish I could say I adjusted to not going to the gym by creating an awesome routine for myself at home, but I didn't. I started playing Animal Crossing. I got back to the gym when it opened and worked out with while masked, which I did until I got sick *again* in November. I changed some of my methods for data collection so I could continue my research in a virtual setting, which allowed me to end my hiatus from grad school at the end of September. I had to adjust my instructional style for a virtual setting, and while I do not find this particular medium for education ideal, I think the kids and I are doing alright, and we seem to be connecting in spite of the physical difference. I couldn't go to any actual concerts but I got to see some of my favorite bands perform virtually.

Accepting
While adapting and adjusting were challenging at times, perhaps the most difficult lesson I (and probably we) endured in 2020 was that of acceptance. We can fight the tide all we want (and those of you who have known me for a long time know that I have), but there comes a point where survival hinges on acceptance. I had to accept I will become Dr. Duehr in 2021 rather than 2020. A dream delayed is not a dream destroyed. I accept I am in the worst shape I have been in a decade, just as I accept the hard work it will take to return to the strength and stamina I had in March. I accept the missed opportunities of the past that the excess idle time we all had in 2020 brought back to the surface. I accept that with some, distance will only grow, and I accept that I held on to Myrna much longer than I should have. Ultimately, I accept that the good and bad in my life are cyclical, and who we are and who we want to be constantly change with time. Who I am now is who I am meant to be at this moment in time, but who I am now is not who I am meant to be in perpetuity.

Moving Forward
Collectively and individually, the past year has tested our mettle. I learned that success is not always found in the momentous victories but rather in resilience, resolve, and continued survival. I do not want to guarantee a less treacherous journey in the year ahead, but I am optimistic for myself as I am for each of you. I am proud of you for surviving, and I appreciate the connection I have with each of you, whatever that may be. Onward and upward!

2020 in List Form

2020 has been weird. We all know it. I don't have a long list of all these cool experiences this year because most days the only excitement came from the excruciatingly difficult decision to spend the day in pajama pants or workout pants. That said, I still think it's a good exercise to document the things I did enjoy this year. There was some enjoyment amidst the mundanity, after all. The sections will not be the same as in past years, but I think we'll be okay. That said, here are some of the things which brought me joy in 2020. As has been the norm this decade, this is less thoughtful counterpart to my Year in Review post in which I list a bunch of things which were relevant to me in 2019. While, compared to previous years, there was not as much that stood out to me from the realm of music, I was fortunate enough to attend five different concerts and see some bands that have been a consistent part of my listening rotation for over a decade. Here is my 2020 in list form.

Songs
1. Lauv – Feelings
2. The Ghost Inside - Aftermath
3. Spanish Love Songs - Beach Front Property
4. All Time Low - Safe
5. Neck Deep – Telling Stories
6. Silverstein - Bad Habits
7. Movements - No Good Left to Give
8. The Weeknd – Blinding Lights
9. Boston Manor - Monolith
10. Acceptance - Release and Let Go

Albums

1. All Time Low - Wake Up, Sunshine
2. Lauv - How I'm Feeling
3. Spanish Love Songs - Brave Faces, Everyone
4. Acceptance - Wild, Free
5. Taylor Swift - folklore
6. Machine Gun Kelly - Tickets to My Downfall
7. Movements - No Good Left to Give
8. Neck Deep - All Distortions Are Intentional
9. Broadside - Into the Raging Sea
10. Hot Mulligan - you'll be fine

Old Disney Channel TV Shows to Binge on Disney+
1. Stuck in the Middle
2. Hannah Montana
3. Girl Meets World
4. Good Luck Charlie
5. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
6. Lizzie McGuire
7. Bizaardvark
8. Jonas
9. Phil of the Future
10. Sonny With a Chance

Video Games as Mental/Emotional Diversions
1. Fortnite
2. Animal Crossing: New Horizons
3.Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
4. WWE Battlegrounds

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Not All Who Are Lost Wandered

I didn’t stray from the path. Not this time. In fact, I had such intense focus I likely missed some opportunities along the way. Yet, all of that apparently did not matter. I am here, I feel so lost, and I am angry.

Feeling Lost (Again)
I lost my way once before, partly due to circumstances but largely of my own doing (or undoing, so to speak). In 2009, I entered the “real world” bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, painfully unaware of the political underpinnings prevalent in virtually all professions as well as the new realities following a massive recession. If you know me well, you know the story. I couldn’t find a job straight out of college, so I worked as a substitute teacher for three years. I did not take rejection very well. The evaporation of opportunity led to a deterioration of my confidence and subsequently any effort. By 2010, I was staying up until 3:30 am and sleeping until noon, doing little during the day outside of watching NCIS reruns on USA. I gained over half the weight I had lost. I lost hope. I lost myself.

As angry as I got by being told “When you do something worth clapping for, I’ll clap for you too” (and, to be honest, those words have left me with a permanent chip on my shoulder and perpetual need to prove myself), it lit a fire under me. I had such an intense fear of never meeting my potential that, to combat that fear, a relentless drive was born. I quickly lost that weight. I ran a marathon. I finally found that elusive teaching position. Most importantly, I promised myself that I would never lose my purpose again. To that end, I promised myself that I would always have a goal I was actively striving to achieve, whether it was a master’s degree, another marathon, the procurement of a public school teaching position, the opportunity to teach social studies, or the pursuit of a doctoral degree. For the better part of a decade, I have not stopped moving toward the next goal. I’ve had to sacrifice some things along the way. Maybe I didn’t have to sacrifice, but I did for the sake of reaching my goals.

There are aspects about myself I loathe, but there are components to who I am of which I am extremely proud. I have forged an identity for myself. Much of my identity can be tied to three things: my career as a teacher and the success I have had in forging relationships, my pursuit of a doctoral degree as a vehicle to turn education on its head conceptually, and my dedicated exercise plan. I didn’t have all my hopes and dreams, but I had purpose – until I didn’t.

Let me be clear that I feel blessed to be alive, to have a job that I can still somewhat do from home, and to have the people I’m closest to healthy and safe. That said, this is not easy. Without seeing the kids every day, I feel lost. Because I cannot go to work, I cannot conduct my dissertation research and collect data for future analysis. Without that vital component, my doctoral pursuit has ground to a halt. Without the daily trips to the gym, I have lost that daily routine and the mental break. I did everything right this time. I set goals and created paths to these goals, yet there was nothing I could do. Without these things that have become so deeply ingrained in the fibers of who I am, I’m lost. Things will dissipate in time (because life is nothing if not cyclical), but in the interim, this isn’t great.

A World That Never Had My Back
I might feel lost now, but I’ll find my way back. I don’t know if I can say the same about society. I am disheartened by a society that very likely has reached the point of no return. Times of trouble bring truth to the surface. It reveals the best of the best and the true colors of the worst. There are some great people out there doing great things, and I would be remiss if I did acknowledge that. However, corporate greed coupled with individualistic ignorance and arrogance disgusts me, and it makes me fearful we will ever truly get out of this.

We live in a world where people care more about being “right” than about actual individuals. The almighty dollar has long replaced human, animal, and environmental life as our most valued asset. My Facebook feed is constantly littered by fools (sorry, I said it) who want to deny science, skew data, and perpetuate the spread of conspiracies and utter lies because they feel a little inconvenienced. People who preach the “Gospel of Christ” yet would sell their souls to the devil himself if it meant appointing a pro-life judge or preserving their 401k. I’m sorry. I don’t care if we were friends, I don’t care if we spent time together in a classroom or church in the 90s or 00s… heck, I don’t even care if we share blood… our paths are no longer parallel. IF you care more about wealth or convenience than you do about people, you have nothing to offer me.

Another piece of my identity for over 25 years has been my love of professional wrestling, specifically the WWE. I’ve invested a lot of money and time into it over the years. In an alternate universe, that would be my job. They lost my trust and respect today. When you strong-arm a state government to allow you to continue to put your employees in serious health risks then summarily fire dozens of these employees, you are the very definition of corporate greed and wealth over humanity. This is but one of countless examples of a society that sickens me.

I recently have been confronted with an inescapable feeling that the world has turned its back on me (and you, dear reader), but I realized I was wrong. The world never had my back. In a national society that vastly prefers appearance over functionality, we are all cogs in a machine. Our utility defines our value. If the machine breaks, there is no use for us. We are deemed essential or nonessential. We get paid or we don’t. The few rise by climbing the backs of the many.

Where Do We Go From Here?

I don’t know what’s next for me, this country, or the global society. If this has shown us anything, it’s that, at the least, the system is horribly flawed. I want to be better. I want us to be better. Take care of yourselves. Take care of one another. Be willing to listen and be proven wrong. Be safe, and for the love of all that is good, stop being selfish. While this precipitous decline felt sudden, the seeds were planted over a period of time by a number of individuals. It’s going to take a collective societal and governmental effort to be better, so please, be better.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

The 2010s in Review

As I sit here in the very same room at the very same desk I wrote a similar post 10 years ago, I am filled with conflicting feelings regarding the completion of this decade and myself at large. While I am pleased with the fact I have undergone more growth than I probably even realize, I still can't shake these feelings of self-loathing. I am better than who I once was, but I am not who or where I want to be.

I entered the 2010s as a scared kid who knew nothing but wasn't strong enough to ask for help. I floundered at the beginning of the decade. I had no idea how to get where I wanted to be, so I just gave up. I stayed up late wasting time on Stickam, stopped exercising, and slept all day. I couldn't realize that *I* was the reason I was stuck in my situation, not the economy, not my past, not anything else. Eventually, I got it together, but my path to where I am now was more bumpy and circuitous than I had anticipated (then again, I was an unrealistic idealist who did not anticipate any adversity, so I got what I got).

Around 2011 and 2012, I almost gave up teaching. I'm glad I didn't, because 1) I'm pretty darn good at it, and 2) I have no idea what I would have done. I'd like to think I could've been a professional wrestler, but I don't know if I would have had the fortitude to have seen that through. I spent the decade in some pretty tough situations, from an alternative school to a public school where I was dead man walking as soon as I was hired because it was a one year position to the most unique school I have ever been a part of, I can't say I would have selected this path for myself, but it was the path I was meant to travel. The students and staff I have encountered have empowered me to sharpen my teaching philosophy and methods and have granted me greater clarity in terms of what I want to accomplish in the 2020s and beyond.

There was a whole lot of loss this decade. I lost two grandparents. I lost someone who was like another uncle to me. I fell in love twice, and I lost them both (and to be honest, I still haven't fallen out of love with one). The friends I had for the entirety of the 1990s and 2000s have, for all intents and purposes, left me behind. I talk to one semi-regularly and harbor no animosity toward another, but our paths diverged, and they decided there was no place on their path to build a bridge back to me. It is daunting to know that the losses I have incurred this decade will only continue for the rest of my life, but I try not to think of it so much.

I have gained plenty this decade as well. I ran two marathons. I completed my master's degree. I am nearing culmination of a doctorate. I connected with members of bands who wrote songs that changed my life. I have created meaningful, sustainable friendships at every stop along the way. I became an uncle. I found my voice and my strength. I learned how to accept and be refined by my failures and to not ignore my limitations. Ultimately, I became the person I was always capable of becoming. I exit the decade as someone with greater self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-motivation.

And yet, I still can't escape this feeling that I didn't do enough. I prioritized certain things and certain people, and I may have missed some opportunities along the way. I have gotten better about not comparing myself to others in terms of timelines (as very little in life is linear), but at times I hesitated, and I lost. I don't have the dream house, the dream job, or the dream family. Sometimes I hate myself for it. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. However, I have to remind myself to be content in what I have and continue to do the work I can to make it all happen someday.

I enter the next ten-year window of my life both excited and exhausted. My successes and my failures have taken a lot out of me, certainly from an emotional sense. I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know I will give everything I have to reach my goals. By hook or by crook, I will find a way. I don't know what the future has in terms of how much I will write. Maybe I'll have another big year of writing; maybe I'll stick to 3-5 posts per year. I thank you all for having contributed to this journey, and I encourage you to stick around for what's next.

Oh, and as for my rankings this decade,

1. 2015
2. 2011
3. 2012
4. 2018
5. 2016
6. 2019
7. 2013
8. 2010
9. 2014
10. 2017

2019 in Review

One of the benefits to maintaining this blog is the ability to look back at seasons of my life of great growth and progress or, conversely, seasons of great struggle and challenge. 2019 was, quite honestly, neither; however, I entered the year fully cognizant of the idea that this year was going to be simply a year of building and "putting in the work", so to speak. I had to be okay with the idea that this was not going to be a year of landmark moments but instead a year in which I had to put my head down and trudge forward. Since 2017, I have looked at 2020 as the year of big moments and big moves. For that to occur, I had to be willing to accept 2018 and 2019 as building-block years. That said, plenty happened this year, and it is my annual honor to walk you through my year that was.

Growth Through Failure
While ultimately I am still set up very well to become Dr. Duehr in 2020 (currently September 20, 2020 is the target date), there were moments during which that notion felt tenuous at best. The first time I turned in my concept paper to achieve doctoral candidacy and commence work on my dissertation, I was denied. Instead of digging deep within myself and finding the tenacity to move forward, I fully admit I initially crumbled under the pressure and turned inward. Fortunately, a few weeks later, I was ready to get back at it. I realized that if I had merely asked the right questions and gotten out of my own way, I could have received approval sooner. I have never been the best at taking criticism, yet I now understand that failure and subsequent growth is an integral component of the doctoral process. I write with greater purpose and clarity and think like a doctoral scholar. Since that failure, I have had 40% of my dissertation approved, and am extremely excited to work on the remaining three chapters.

New Professional Challenges
In May, I had the privilege of going through the 8th grade graduation process for the first time as an 8th grade teacher. It was difficult saying goodbye to that group, especially since we spent two years together, but I was very excited to see them conquer high school and the world at large. In August, I received the challenge of not only a new group but also a new schedule which required me to teach reading as well as writing to three groups, including an "Accelerated" group. Since I did not know I would be doing this until approximately 10 days before the school year began, I did not exactly have time to adequately prepare for the new challenge. It felt at points I was learning on the fly, and more often than not I felt like I was drowning. I was afraid of doing these students a disservice by not effectively preparing them for high school. A funny thing happened the week before break. We took the winter round of the MAP testing. 75 percent of my students met or exceeded (and some significantly exceeded) their growth targets for BOTH reading and language skills. For the first time since teaching English, I felt as though my methods and prioritization of the students as people above all else were validated. I am excited to guide this group of students through their last semester as middle school students.

Glimpses
This year was a weird year at times because it gave me fleeting glimpses as to what my life *could* and *might* be someday. It felt as though impossibility no longer existed. I conversed with my celebrity crush (Victoria Justice) on Twitter. A girl I had a crush on for years messaged me to talk about mutual feelings. I met my favorite male (Dolph Ziggler) and female (Sasha Banks) WWE superstars and felt at home in conversation with them. Myrna even reappeared from her metaphorical bunker to e-mail me twice! Though all of these moments (and others) were merely moments, they served as valuable reminders that nothing is impossible, that my current situation is not permanent, and if I continue to do the work, I will set myself up for everything I desire.

Joy in the Journey
I made a point to break up my days with enjoyable things. The constant monotony of work, grad school, and exercise can wear down on one's psyche. I knew the goals I laid for myself were cumbersome, so I did my best to break up those days. Whether it was the aforementioned meet and greets with WWE superstars, a trip to Cleveland to see the Seahawks, a GameFAQs message board meetup in Michigan, or any of the five concerts I attended this year with various friends (including a road trip with Jaclyn to Grand Rapids to meet State Champs), I allowed myself various "rest stops" along the way to celebrate my progress, enjoy life a little, and catch my breath before moving forward.

2019 was not a monumental year, but it was a solid one. It is my sincerest hope that my diligence in putting in the work will lead to a fruitful 2020. As always, thank you for coming along for the ride (or at least reading about the ride).

Monday, December 30, 2019

2019 in List Form

As has been the norm this decade, this is less thoughtful counterpart to my Year in Review post in which I list a bunch of things which were relevant to me in 2019. While, compared to previous years, there was not as much that stood out to me from the realm of music, I was fortunate enough to attend five different concerts and see some bands that have been a consistent part of my listening rotation for over a decade. Here is my 2010 in list form.

Songs
1. Have Mercy – Heartbeat
2. Sum 41 – Catching Fire
3. The Early November – The Lilac
4. The Dangerous Summer – Where Were You When the Sky Opened Up
5. Sleep On It – Racing Towards a Red Light
6. The Maine – I Feel It All Over
7. Blink-182 – Pin the Grenade
8. The Lumineers – Gloria
9. The Strumbellas – Salvation
10. John Floreani – Echoes

Albums

1. Have Mercy – The Love Life
2. The Maine – You Are OK
3. The Early November - Lilac
4. Sleep On It – Pride & Disaster
5. Strung Out – Songs of Armor and Devotion
6. Dave Hause – Kick
7. The Dangerous Summer – Mother Nature
8. Sum 41 – Order in Decline
9. Jimmy Eat World – Surviving
10. Blink-182 – Nine

TV Shows
1. Mr. Robot IRIP)
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. NCIS
4. Suits (RIP)
5. Impractical Jokers

Sports Moments
1. Seahawks beat 49ers in OT
2. Seahawks beat Browns to snap my 3 game in-person losing streak
3. Dolph Ziggler returns to take 3rd at Royal Rumble
4. Becky Lynch wins main event of WrestleMania 35
5. Dolph Ziggler nearly wins WWE Championship

Personal Moments (In no particular order)
• Detroit suburbs for PMS Board meetup
• Cleveland for Seahawks/Browns
• Traveling to San Diego to see family and a longtime friend
• Grand Rapids to meet State Champs and see We the Kings and Simple Plan
• The Early November, Have Mercy, and OWEL in Chicago on a nice October day
• Record shopping excursions to Schaumburg and Bloomingdale
• Three shows at the amphitheater in Tinley (Disrupt festival, AFI/Smashing Pumpkins, Hootie & the Blowfish)
• The longtime friends I finally got to meet in person this year
• Getting to see the class of 2019 graduate Kellar
• Connecting with the class of 2020
• Meeting Dolph Ziggler in Wisconsin
• Meeting Sasha Banks and Bayley in Rosemont
• Getting my concept paper and two chapters of my dissertation approved
• Branching out and doing things that seem fun, whether people are around or not

Sunday, December 29, 2019

My Top 10 Songs You Likely Missed Out on in the 2010s

Note from Jakob: Sorry, I did not link to Spotify. If any of these interest you, I'll create a playlist or something.

For one reason or another, the music that hits our ears at the mall, the gym, or the hair salon is not always the “best” music, or at least not the music that resonates most with us. The music that makes the most money is not always the most technically sound or the most emotionally relevant; instead, high ranking producers and executives sometimes strap a rocket to a particular sound or brand to penetrate our ears and general consciousness. My preferred genre (pop punk) has not been relevant on mainstream airwaves for the better part of a decade, yet even within genres, artists, albums, and songs can slip through the cracks. Each of these tracks has made its mark on me over the course of the decade, and I do not feel as though I should keep these songs to myself. I humbly present to you 10 of the greatest songs from the 2010s you probably never heard.

10. The Sun and the Sea – Drive Me Home (2014)

After The Graduate ran its course, the guys diverged in a number of different directions. One of those directions was in a new band named The Sun and the Sea. While I certainly do not know what a third Graduate album would have sounded like, the band was probably as close to a spiritual successor to the band as we’ll ever have. From their only full-length album, 2014’s American Empire, TS&TS provided the same immersive atmospheric experience as its predecessor. It’s a shame this band didn’t receive attention in line with the immense talent.

9. Amber Run – I Found (2015)
I don’t even remember how I found Amber Run (no pun intended). What I do know is, upon seeing the video for this song, I was blown away by the haunting melody and the emotion put out by the vocals as well as the instrumentation. This song should be all over movie trailers and awful television shows. Make it happen, 2020!

8. Hyland – The One That Got Away (2011)
Catchy hook? Check. Pop punk-styled song about love that doesn’t seem to want to work out? Check. An inspired guest appearance by Anberlin’s Stephen Christian? Check. This track has all the makings of a keeper, yet it went fairly unnoticed, as did Hyland themselves. I’m not sure if it was because the rest of their stuff hit more in the Contemporary Christian sweet spot than pop punk, but this track is solid and definitely deserves a spin.

7. Twenty Twenty – Get Down (2011)
Somewhere in that British powerpop sweet spot between pop punk and boy band was Twenty Twenty. Get Down was one of the catchiest tunes I heard all decade, and it amazes me it didn’t get more play. Who knows, with the year 2020 on the horizon, might these guys make a comeback?

6. Hit the Lights – Float Through Me (2012)
In 2012, Hit the Lights took a detour from their usual pop punk stuff with Invicta, an album which saw them expand their sound for a much bigger, more atmospheric turn. Float Through Me perfectly embodied this turn, and I was very surprised to see the band return to their roots for their next album rather than pursue this stylistic change.

5. Jimmy Eat World – Cut (2010)

It feels almost wrong putting Jimmy Eat World on this list, but as a band with such a strong back catalog who put out a rousing 4 more albums in the 2010s, it could be easy for some of their work to slip through the cracks. On 2010’s Invented, the band put a premium on songwriting perspective. Cut is a searing tale of a relationship that has reached its expiration date. Listen and hurt.

4. Kids in Glass Houses – Stormchasers (2013)
Kids in Glass Houses have been dormant for the better part of the decade, which makes it easy to forget that they put out 3 albums within the first four years of the 2010s. By 2013 hit, the momentum that once was there seemed to have dissipated, and their final effort to date, Peace, was unfortunately overlooked. By the time the final chorus soars, it rings as an anthem toward weathering life’s storms no matter how disoriented we may be by them.

3. Have Mercy – Ghost (2017)
Brian Swindle knows how to throw a gut punch, that’s for sure. While conveying joy through music seemed to be the way to make money this decade (look no further than Pharrell Williams’ Happy), it takes a true artist to channel pain and failures into something relatable. Ghost softly takes the pain of loss and bargains for the lost to remain as a ghost in order to still be able to feel that presence. I heard the song shortly after Myrna’s exit from my life, and it hit like a ton of bricks.

2. The Graduate – End of the World Delight (2010)
I have spent many words discussing this band over the past decade. They entered my life when I need them, and nearly as quickly, they were gone. In an equitable world, Only Every Time would have received the same acclaim as fun.’s Some Nights, and these guys would have been cleaning up at the Grammys in 2012 or so. That didn’t happen, and as a result, most of the world missed out on these guys. While virtually every song from OET was a masterpiece, End of the World Delight encapsulates millennial existentialism better than perhaps any other song.

1. Day at the Fair – Thankful (2017)
Very rarely does a band, let alone a band which has been largely dormant for 15 years, create songs which create profound impact during two different generations of your life, but Day at the Fair did that for me. If you know me well, you know that Everything I’ve Ever Wanted from The Rocking Chair Years is my favorite song in the entire world. Over a decade after that song released, the guys put out an EP entitled The Epilogue. The energy and maturity in this album was what you would expect from guys who left the scene entirely to start families and work “traditional” jobs. Thankful is a 7 minute emotional experience. Stylistically, in many ways it is the successor to Monday Morning and Homesick Angels. The message of gratitude through growth, failure, and change is a message which hits harder after each successive listen. I actually play this song at the end of each school year as I give students personal letters I have written to each of them. I have witnessed more emotion as a result of this song than any other!